I used to see a therapist as a kid. A huge throng of them actually. Looking back I think it was a large waste of time and money, and I’m sure the parents are a tad furious about it. Okay, not really, because they were looking to help me through whatever troubles I may have been having at the time. The trouble is I think I just needed a friend and a better understanding of how the world really was.
That’s a little how it went for me and the last therapist I had. Near the end of our time together, he had a talk with me and one of my parents basically asking what it was I was doing there. I was pretty much a functioning, thoughtful and understanding individual, and in regards to who he usually took on (real headcases and suicidals), I was Average Joe. All the same, the time I spent with the guy was nice, and I think we had a few breakthroughs. What I try and tell myself in contrast to the guilt of guessing how much money went into such people over the years.
I found a list this therapist asked me to write. Basically, anything I had questions about or concerned me, I would collect on a piece of scrap printing paper brought home from my father’s work place. Mind you it had a watermark on it, so it wasn’t scrap by any means, but it was junk to the company. And so we come to a series I would like to call Conversations with a Therapist, my first official trend here on this blog. Second actually, when I consider the Talking D&D bits. Whatever. I’m tired.
First item on the list: Blank Expressions. My guess is it’s pretty much the same issue I deal with to this day. Blank faces and body language without any real set of emotion showing through always confuses me. If being socially awkward wasn’t enough, having to associate with someone who gave no real hint as to how they felt or what was on their mind baffles me without end. Granted, I can’t even do it that well when I (supposedly) know how someone feels when they smile or frown.
On that (and just to make it worse), I’ve learned to find facial expressions and quirks misleading. Too many people act too differently from each other to accurately gauge what someone is saying with their face or body. Even more so, having associated with people who merely put on a show of emotion simply to cause drama makes me disregard emotional outbursts altogether.
The saddest outcome from all of this is that I’ve become one of those people, and probably the best: Blank and expressionless. At least that’s what I think is the case, because many a person has made mention of being unable to read me, though I would like to think of myself as an open book (and a little too trusting). Holding onto my emotions is just something I’ve gotten accustomed to, if only because I loathe outbursts of expressions, positive or negative. More negative than anything.
Whenever I’m in the sway of energy, I’m a fury which really can’t be contained. When I’m happy this usually entails me singing, dancing, and probably the only time you’ll see me initiate physical contact on an inappropriate level. On the negative, I’m irritable, impulsive, and silently angry…unless the irritation gets too high, then I’m very uncaring on being efficient and clean in actions and words.
To say, “Well, don’t be negative then,” shows a major disregard to who I am and the understanding of emotion in general. Yes, I can refrain from being negative, but then I can’t be positive. Emotion must flow it it’s going to be there at all, and in the throes of emotion, the probability from being “high as a kite” dropping to “oh the hell with it all” can change at an instant depending on what external events occur. The same way an, “Everything’s going to be alright,” can change to, “I’m ruined,” when you crash your car, lose your job, and someone you trusted raped you and your loved ones. Yes, a little extreme, but I think even the happiest person in the world would be effected by that.
Point being, I choose to be blank and expressionless because that’s what works and feels right for me at this point. I may enjoy being happy, but I enjoy being stable all the more, and letting emotion get the better of me makes me feel stupid later on. Not just when I hurt others when I’m down, but when I’m up as well. Later on I usually get let down over misplaced trust or ridiculous expectations of myself or others, in the end just putting me in the dumpster again.
Due to the fact I loathe blank expressions as it stands, I know I won’t be like this forever, nor do I want to. Putting a lid on myself and what I do just feels like a drag, especially when my dreams put me in fits of desire to act out. However, I don’t think I’m willing to let go on that lid yet. I’m sure there will be moments of happy release, and I hope I’m in good company when it comes round, but I’m going to be holding onto it until I can trust myself in those situations. As always, better stable than a mess. For now.