Welcome back to another conversation I had with my therapist. It’s always a little therapeutic to be conversing on random topics and get your mind flowing on things. Especially with this topic coming round, because no matter what I do, it always seems to rear its ugly head. Hence why it happened to be #2 on my list.
Anger. I’ve dealt with anger all my life. Been angry at a whole lot of people, though a lot of my anger was directed at myself in the long run. Even went so far as to hate other people, which is a whole other level of anger, usually involving violent and destructive thoughts in their direction. But again, a lot of that hate just got directed at me in the long run too.
Granted, I’ve gotten a real hold of my emotions since those times. I still get angry: long held grudges against others, the random occurrences of the day, and of course wailing away at poor old pitiful me. I thankfully only reserve my hate for two people these days. One being myself, which I can really forgive and forget over because I’m young, dumb and full of cum. However, the other person I hate will always be hated, because there’s really nothing that can be done to repair how much wrong the person did.
And it seems I’ve thought on a lot of anger when I was younger, due to the fact a lot of the items on the list dealt with it. #4 was “Anger for helping”, #6 “If people are angry, should I give them comfort?”, #7 “Should I be angry because of it?” (though I don’t know what that means), and #9 “Anger at characters in books”. Seems I had plenty of anger in my youth, or at least questions on aggression in general. At least I don’t have to cover some of those other items in other posts. They tend to fit rather nicely in this one topic. I’m saving time for myself! YAY!!!
The one thing I’ve learned about anger, however, is the need to let it go. It’s a little bit of what I discovered and disclosed in my film Not Dead Yet, a sequel supplemental to Never Have Beauty (the latter made in a depressing time if you haven’t guessed). Violent reactions to every little thing in your life will just leave to heartache, so I’ve pretty much taught myself to let go of things once they get too intense for me or others. How anyone can live otherwise, I can’t even imagine.
Mind you, I’ve known and associated with people who live on the hate they feel, and even knowing this I still don’t get it. Just the sheer amount of vile they can live with is staggering, and even more so that someone would willingly taint themselves with it. I have better things to be doing with what time and emotion I have left than be bitter about things (or be made bitter by others). I know I’m going to have my moments, but they will come and go as they are supposed to.
So even though I hate one person (may as well just be one because I need to leave myself alone eventually), I don’t have to think on that someone all the time. That person will forever get my distrust and mean spirits, though I don’t let it poison me to the point I hurt others in the process. I find this to be the better version of Forgiveness, where in I don’t try and burn eyes out with a soldering iron, but I certainly don’t forget or condone what they did. Besides, even those who say they practice Forgiveness still don’t fully believe in it. Who forgives a murderer and let’s them wander around as if nothing happened? Reality just doesn’t work like that…though I’m sure many physicists and space and time studies would contest it.
Just one of the many reason I gave up religion as well, once I think about it. God has a little too much hate for its creation to be taken seriously. If such a creature existed, I pity it, for all it did was create a mirror from which to see how much it loathed itself. Thankfully it doesn’t exist, and I can live happily in the knowledge Hitler isn’t getting a pineapple shoved up his ass everyday for eternity. Yeah, I’m going to go that far, because even the most hated man on the planet doesn’t deserve that much hate. I got better things to be doing than damning the long dead. They will not be forgotten, but they certainly won’t ruin what happiness I can claim.