“Teach Me” was played on May 17, 2010, and I had to share four adjectives about the teacher who inspired me. Not any specific inspiration or the most inspiration, but just inspired. Looking back, it doesn’t really seem fair with the teacher I selected, because I only had him (I think) for the last two years of high school, making my memory of him incredibly fresh. As fresh as can be at least, because I’ve pretty much forgotten/shrugged off the bulk of my schooling years. And everything else now that I think about it.
It sort of goes like this: I’ve joked many times with people around me I haven’t started living (or even being alive) till 2005, but that’s the god honest truth. Yeah, I’ll blasphemy “god” just to get my point across, whatever. Years before that and especially my schooling years, I just went through the motions that people asked of me. That’s pretty much what the world taught me through those years: to only do what I’m told. There was no teaching me of the concept of freedom, and I made sure I did what I was told rather than have any individuality. I followed the letter so much I at times became the Rules Lawyer against other students who were disruptive or did things to challenge the teachers. Continue reading
The title pretty much says it. My mind wanders like no one’s business. This truth came to my mind tonight while I was watching a friend of mine play some tunes at the Cafe Carpe, and as usual when I listen to music I tend to go with what it makes me feel, usually not picking up on all the lyrics. This is mostly because I think my hearing is failing me, though I suppose it’s better to say that than accept I’m too lazy to be attentive enough to understand all the sounds in one motion rather than “get a feeling of it” despite the fact I keep trying.
And out of the blue, and old memory came to mind. For the life of me, I can’t even remember what it is that wracked through my brain, and this was only a few hours ago. Maybe it was the beer I had and the buzz it gave me, or the music with its relaxing and down to earth tone, both of them…or maybe that’s just how I am. But whatever it was made me feel down (or at the very least humble) and was very profound, making me face how far I’ve come, and yet how little. Continue reading
So…I’m pretty sure I don’t want to go through the last 40 again. I can see what got Matt Sullivan all turned up into knots. Being so used to controlling what I feel, abstaining from something I never really stopped since my teens, and…well, do you really need to be told I failed to go the full 40? The first two weeks were a bit of hell, and sleeping was a bother in of itself, let alone the dreams which would come (giggity?). I forget when and how the break actually happened, but let me say I felt right as rain afterword. Besides the obvious guilt, mind you, which I’m pretty good at when I know I should be acting a certain way.
Since then I’ve found plenty of excuses to relapse, though in the end I’ve still cut down the amount of masturbation that usually happens by 75%, which I can accept and be glad about. This has been a very learning experience for me, which is why I’ve prompted myself to start doing the 40’s to begin with. I’ve discovered I’m a much more sexual creature than originally thought, which I kind of figured anyway, but actually living through a reprieve had me face the facts. Suppose this would be the push I need to actually find an intimate connection with another, but I’m honestly lot more interested in catching up with things and making my life work. I’m self indulgent like that, and foolish for it. As it goes. Continue reading