The title pretty much says it. My mind wanders like no one’s business. This truth came to my mind tonight while I was watching a friend of mine play some tunes at the Cafe Carpe, and as usual when I listen to music I tend to go with what it makes me feel, usually not picking up on all the lyrics. This is mostly because I think my hearing is failing me, though I suppose it’s better to say that than accept I’m too lazy to be attentive enough to understand all the sounds in one motion rather than “get a feeling of it” despite the fact I keep trying.
And out of the blue, and old memory came to mind. For the life of me, I can’t even remember what it is that wracked through my brain, and this was only a few hours ago. Maybe it was the beer I had and the buzz it gave me, or the music with its relaxing and down to earth tone, both of them…or maybe that’s just how I am. But whatever it was made me feel down (or at the very least humble) and was very profound, making me face how far I’ve come, and yet how little.
Or maybe I’m just confusing it with yet another thought I had that night? I know I had some good thoughts as well, but as it is with me, more bad in the long run (bad in my perspective at least). That’s what tends to happen when I’m relaxed enough and have the chance to let my mind wander. I think too much on too many things, and I’ll either forget what was being thought, or confuse the order and connection at which thoughts should be. I’ve always thought I’ve been pretty good on remembering things, and having moments like this irritates me. Somewhat contradictory given the fact I accepted the act of drinking alcohol a year and a half ago, which gives me moments of poor recollection and efficiency like you wouldn’t believe, but I digress.
Another friend of mine has worried he would eventually come down with Alzheimer’s, which is a fear many should have, if only because it’s a shame to lose so much of your mind you’re not only incapable of remembering, but of sharing this fact with others. Heck, it’s something that can occur with normal aging, and I worry if I’m coming to that point where everything I gain and have will begin to slide on down the hill. Worse, that I’ll be unable to gain new thoughts and insight in an ever changing world.
Such are the thoughts that come to me when I ponder on things, then ponder about what I ponder, and ponder on that as well. Not like I need to worry about such selfish things, considering the complex cluster of a mess the world is in around me. All the same, I’m of the feeling I serve those around me best at this point by serving myself, because if I don’t get myself on my feet mentally, phyciallaly, and most certainly financially, I’ll be of no help to anyone.
If anything is to be gained from this moment, it’s that I think too much in general, to the point I keep myself up till 2 AM writing about said thoughts when I should be keeping myself on a decent sleep schedule for 5:30 AM wake up calls. Obsession is ever the fault of mine, though it’s a boon if I can just put it in the right direction. Work your brain folks, but do it in a manner that is healthy, productive, and spans fields. To dwell on loss and the negative (too much) will not only hurt your heart but mind. Science! Okay, time for sleep.