As a means to expand upon the funk I’ve shared in the above video, let’s explore the idea that I may have Seasonal affective disorder. My recent slump into the blues got me wondering if I may be suffering from it. I could just chalk it all up to me making a fool of myself last weekend and the inability to produce just made things worse, but let’s just humor this line of thought for now, shall we?
But first, a summary of myself in the now: my mind is my own worst enemy. Any time I give myself time to think other than working on something I sabotage myself in some fashion. Thinking out paths of logic which lead me to ruin, concocting scenarios with me and others up to a year from now, and I never think that far ahead due to there being too much chaos to comprehend it. And yet I end up wasting fifteen minutes at a time with these anxiety attacks, only to slap myself to remind my brain that there is such a thing as reality. Don’t intend to divulge, just wanted to give some understanding of how my brain is functioning when I’m at work, and all I can do while there is think. Hence why I’m a bit of a mess.
But let’s do a little research to see if the seasons really do affect me. We’ll do recent history for the sake of time, because I think the data will speak for itself. A little over two years ago I quit my LARP, after dealing with thoughts similar to ones I’m having now. One of those fuck everything mindsets, you know? While my quit could have been executed a little better (rereading emails is fun), I’m happy with the choice I made because I was giving myself panic attacks over something that wasn’t worth it. Not for the game, because fuck that, but the relationships I had. Blessed I was to have them for the memories made, but almost none of them ever panned out to anything more than a friend by association. I tend to take relationships more seriously than most, as noted by Toast, and those relations I had were cherished, though in reality were only in my head. Thanks for the memories, onto the future.
In terms of what I released creatively two years ago, my video production was pretty much zero in comparison to my current average. I did make Gotta Save The Princess round that time, then…nothing (or pretty much nothing). Too much depression and work sapped me dry, and the fact it never paid for my life made it worse. My journal entries were stagnant, jumping from September 2010 all the way to January 2011. My journal writing is infrequent as it stands, but is very active when I’m feeling my best, so…take from that what you will. Can’t say I blogged a lot either, but my Twitter was fairly active. Good and bad days aplenty, and I find it interesting I quoted and linked Tally Hall before I made my LARP quitting final. Heck, even spoke on the uselessness of hate earlier. There’s something about sharing small snippets of thoughts that’s safe for me when I’m down I suppose.
In 2011, my video production pretty much amounted to VLOG Weekly material, which was good for the sake of noting the time and getting thoughts out. Can’t quite say it’s the same for my real journal, where in I jumped from November 2011 to February 2012 without a word written. I do remember coming to a point of awesome during this period, and then I just…dropped most everything. I chalked it all up to hating my current job, but now? I wonder. My blog was active as hell, though my Twitter use wasn’t as active, and I…guess?…I had bad times if I were to read into it?
And given how I noted a few previous dates in my journal were similar to 2010 and 2011 while doing research, the possibility of the evidence showing I have SAD is…about as conclusive as me saying I have Tourette’s? I’ll leave diagnosis’s such as this to those trained in the matter, though I will say it’s fascinating to note the trend. With the research over, what do I have to fear for the 2012/2013 Winter other than the relationships I’ve already sabotaged (maybe)? Well, video production will stagnate due to a lack of sleep and work making me loathe myself, and I will likely go further into the cave I’m already too deep into. That’s if I let it, of course. Thinking about trying something for the next Lent. May be a fool for attempting it because of how much I need it, but we will see. That is all.