At the end of the video, I mentioned there was likely more to speak on, but my thoughts were otherwise out of whack to manifest them. And after editing the video and thinking on it a little more, yes, there was a lot more to speak of. So how about we speak on those thoughts now?
As already noted, achievements/goals are what drive me. To keep on going to the next task and note success, ever moving forward. Having gone through the editing and attempting to make the best message possible, I find myself upset with the words I used, because I think I made it sound as if I shouldn’t have any goals, plans, etc. because they are nothing but expectations of myself. I could otherwise be partying! Huzzah! But no, that’s not really what I meant, because it’s like saying survival should be ignored, and that’s priority #1 for all people. The words have otherwise been said, though, so I’m just going to roll with it. At least I have my blog to back me up where I falter, yes?
Having goals or commitments is what drives life. We are constantly evolving and expanding who and what we are with each new generation, as well we should lest we invite death into our lives. What I believe I was trying to say is I let other things dictate my goals and drive for me. Again, video games these days have certain goals for you to strive for, giving you prompts and certain actions to take along the way. Being alive and well, however, has no goal other than what you decide to make for yourself in it. Thus far, all I’ve done is move along the path that is directed for me, consuming entertainment and doing what I believe society expects of me…even though society could give a shit. Lest I’m breaking some stupid law, that is, and will just be considered an invalid. There is so much freedom around me, but I take the paths and choices that are presented to me rather than the ones I want.
This behavior of mine has been noted in my schooling years, and I still can’t seem to shake it. Right now the most prominent example in my life would be Facebook, which pretty much automates your social life for you, sometimes outright suggesting who you should communicate with and how. Don’t mean to bash it, because I find it to be a fascinating tool for organization and communication. But as with all great products, the problem comes from how you use it, and something is wrong when you pretty much use Facebook and other electronic communication as your means of socializing. This could just be me being overly harsh on myself, because there are folk I can’t speak with or see because of scheduling and distance. However, when you can’t recall the last time you talked to a friend on the phone which wasn’t for a quick question, something must be wrong.
Oh, and I made sure to check after writing that, because it got me curious. The last call was to Andy of 2 Guys 1 Couch, and the date was December 16. I don’t believe I’ve spoken to him in any fashion for over a year. And before that call, I believe it was to my former roommate Peter on November 21, and October 20 before that with a number of people (visit to Milwaukee and all). All communication has otherwise been through an electronic buffer, and I’ve had very little human interaction that wasn’t family or Dungeons & Dragons related. I believe this is something I’ve always had, but it’s been steadily getting worse, so much so that it needs to be examined (as I’m doing now).
It’s so bad that social situations and going out into public in general scares the shit out of me. More often than not I’m going to be around folk I do not know at all, and I freeze from the constant fear of doing something wrong or getting rejected. There are no command prompts on when or how to speak with another, nor on what you could possibly speak about, and I outright don’t even bother communicating just because it’s a huge hassle. To my shame, this is done with those I would call friends as well, whom I make uncomfortable with my silence and manner. Worse, I got so overwhelmed with those I wanted to wish a Merry Christmas and what to possibly gift them I literally…did…nothing. Not a single friend was well wished or gifted this year of my own volition. There was well wishing and gifts in response to others, but other than that…nothing. It was pretty much the same for the New Year as well. So lonely! My fault, I am aware, but the fact remains.
Because of this constant anxiety I go through when in a social setting, I’ve committed myself to either keep away from such occasions, or have purpose for being there. Goals and achievements. This can range from simply speaking with a fellow and get updates, or to actually making an artistic project. Problem being, too often I find myself relying on other folk to give prompts to me so I can jump into a conversation or activity, rather than starting it on my own. Even when I have something in mind to speak about or do, I wait it out to see if others are curious, so as not to disturb the social waters. In the end social anxiety continues to win, and I find myself wanting to swear off social gatherings completely lest those I intend to see make solid plans with me. Don’t want to find myself as the silent fool I always end up when I’m not being told what to do.
Suddenly recalled a real life example of one such situation that occurred in 2007. The five year reunion of my High School class was coming round, and my friend Peter was stoked on going, and…I thought I was too? I even remember having a conversation with him how I thought those in charge failed letting people know about it, and how I deserved to know what was happening. This was more a sense of what society expected me to think rather than what I felt, because when I got to the occasion I made a dash to the bar and watched others interact. This eventually turned into me sitting in a booth with “strangers” when Peter noticed me, and I continued to watch people from there. Didn’t talk anyone around me unless talked to, and the responses were short and bizarre. If you think my social awkwardness is bad now, you should have seen me then.
Save Peter, there wasn’t a single person I could say was a friend or even an acquittance of mine, even though I’ve written letters to some of them in the past year. The big kicker of that occasion was a questionnaire that was being handed round to people, so that the data could be collected and shared upon a website. I was the first to complete the questionnaire with relish, because I was being told what to do rather than watch complete strangers have fun around me. Needless to say, I gave the finger to the 2012 Class Reunion, and proud of it as well. Felt quite the fool in 2007, and yet I still find myself in such occasions to this day lest I actually sit down and consider if I have a need to be present, or make a true commitment to be the supposed social butterfly I want to be. Ha.
Just a little insight into my head, which is a bundle of fuck despite how much I’m trying to be optimistic about life, liberty and the pursuit of awesome. I’ve said it many times before, but I didn’t start living till 2005, and if this post doesn’t confirm it I don’t know what else will. While I am 29 years old, I act like someone 5-10 years younger. Stranger, the company I usually keep is of that age range, and it doesn’t help the company says my appearance is of those years as well. It’s a compliment, I know, but I find it frustrating to know I’m supposedly not on par with the rest of the crowd I grew up with.
Or is that simply an expectation of society, in other words something entirely in my head? If I’m to be optimistic about things, I can say I’m not supposed to work by the pace of others, but my own. The expectations of how I should be and what others supposedly want from me ever beat me down, but I can release myself of them at any time and the world won’t care a damn bit. Still have plenty of traveling to do if I hope to be able to handle the reins of my own life. Or am I in this situation because I simply forgot what I have been doing is what I want, and just need to reacquaint myself with where I’m going? To be figured out eventually. I wish you all a happy New Year, despite the mood I am in. The doom and gloom may have overtaken my sense, but it’s certainly hasn’t dulled my heart, which gives you nothing but love. At least that would be the case if the fear could stop nailing it down. Progress as ever.