I know people who worry. When someone should supposedly be taking too long to get home from the store, a call must be made to make sure they are alright. If no answer is given or if there is no ability to hear the sound of their voice, fear sets in. Too many times the thought of not being able to see someone again overwhelms another, bringing them to tears. And every time it should happen, it pisses me off.
For quite awhile I’ve given up on giving on these (what I feel are) irrational emotions. Worry is one of the many things I’ve coped with, but I’ve otherwise let go of the majority of my irrational emotions. I may have my issues with being an emotional wreck for other reasons, but it’s not going to be from worrying about trivial matters beyond my control. And during those times I’m around folk who start to worry, to be the one that has to point out not the positive outlook but the sensible one towards those who would condemn me in the past for being negative gets on my nerves. What is so hard about accepting eventual outcomes?
Some weeks ago, I brought my camera to work with me, because I needed to film something for an upcoming project. After filming one half of what I needed, I left the camera in my car within the parking lot of my work place. I had placed the camera in a camera bag behind the passenger seat, noticeable to any who bothered to look through the window. Clues as to what it could be were present, such as my tripod, set up and waiting for me when I should return to do the rest of my filming. The pack of Marlboros I had were also visible, tempting any addicts wanting to save a few bucks. I forgot to double check and see if all the car door locks were in operation before leaving. I didn’t see my car for over 8 hours.
My camera was waiting for me when I got back to the car. Needed to be warmed up after sitting in the cold, yes, but it was unmolested. Heck, I don’t believe I even checked to see if all my car doors were locked during the entire 15 minutes I waited for my camera to warm. I just waited, filmed my scene, then drove home.
This outcome wasn’t a case of luck, but just life. Those who worry would have been filled with dread while working, sweating on how stupid they were about how they had likely lost their camera, an otherwise irreplaceable item given current funds. Or they would feel justified if it should just so happen the camera was taken. But would it have mattered in either case? The potential of theft is never deterred by the victim, no matter the worry or precautions, so why worry? Don’t be stupid, I know, but to be able to let go and allow what will happen to happen? No one does that anymore.
I needed to take the risk of my camera getting stolen. I had a specific shot in my mind, and this was otherwise the only method I could achieve it. Were I to take every precaution needed to make sure my ass was covered just so I could take my camera out into public, I would be a withered and poor man, unwilling to create period. And the same likelihood of theft would have occurred. Fear has no place in the mind of one who seeks creativity, or any sort of action whatsoever.
Shame that I say this about creativity, because it applies to living as well. Too often I find myself as the hedgehog/porcupine in need of some warmth, but too much of a pussy to deal with the hurt or hurting another. Given I’m not close to people in general, I never have to worry about interaction too much, lest I’m the one who puts things into action. Most of the time I can find ways to not have to deal with people, though the outcome is usually less than satisfactory. All related back to issues I’ve already spoken on, so they don’t bear repeating.
I believe this is why I can never really let go of negativity. I’m unwilling to lie to myself and ignore the world, and while I can keep a chill demeanor about the outcomes I get, I understand they sometimes have nothing to do with how hard I try. You keep trying though, because there’s a hunger within you that needs to be sated, and you never know. You could end up with something in your favor, even if it isn’t to the exact specifications you wanted. We trudge on.