What? I said I was going to start my Lent after the official Lent ended? Yeah, I say a lot of things, don’t I? Have no fear, I did start in on my Lent like I said I would. I just failed to write about it due to the constant haze of meh I felt for the world. And I started it on April 1st instead of March 31st because I decided to give myself one more bit of rebellion, given I didn’t really take advantage of my Lent from Lent. In summary, I did nothing new for myself other than continue to follow the same routine I always did, or at least that’s what it seemed like.
What can I say? I don’t really live the hedonistic life and hardly take any risks. Despite how I tire of living a planned and calculated life, going cold turkey is scary as heck and tends to smother rather than liberate me. As I found when I tried to do away with negativity, you don’t change with the flip of a switch. There is a switch in the sense that gears are now moving in another direction, but there’s a process that needs to be followed for a ship to pass through the Panama Canal if you know what I mean. One of the seven wonders of the industrial world may save you several thousand miles in travel time, but it’s not a straight 50 mile shot through the strip of land. In other words I will progress through steps, though I hope I’m willing to take the risks when they come round. Continue reading
This Monday will be my first official day of unemployment since May of last year. I gave my three weeks notice to my place of employ (because I felt it was more fair to do so) on April 1st. It was a matter of accident, really, and not intended to be a mean-spirited not-really-a-prank prank. I’m not aware of how much it showed in my demeanor or online presence, but I made it well known to the folk who managed to be around me: I was quite miserable from working there. I had no passion for the work I was doing, or even for the work I wanted to do when I was free from my employment. It was effecting my social life, making me mean-spirited, and thinking thoughts I never believed I could have. I needed to leave for my safety and the safety of others. Likely a little dramatic, but when you’re filled with such vile emotion for something, there’s not much else but drama.
What’s messed up about it all is I would have needed to leave next month anyway. Changes were coming round, and I had originally intended to stick it out till these changes because of duty and wanting to give proper dues to the employ. What is it they say about plans? I apparently didn’t anticipate the deterioration of my well-being when I first had these intentions back in 2012, and how could I? I was doing pretty well for myself, what with me being more socially active and creating video content on more than a weekly basis. Now months later, I find myself nothing more than an emotionless puppet, because it was better than feeling enraged at those around me. And given those moments were becoming harder to smother, it’s bye-bye, goodbye, I tried. Better to part than deal with things when the ball drops. Would have been quite ugly. Continue reading