This Monday will be my first official day of unemployment since May of last year. I gave my three weeks notice to my place of employ (because I felt it was more fair to do so) on April 1st. It was a matter of accident, really, and not intended to be a mean-spirited not-really-a-prank prank. I’m not aware of how much it showed in my demeanor or online presence, but I made it well known to the folk who managed to be around me: I was quite miserable from working there. I had no passion for the work I was doing, or even for the work I wanted to do when I was free from my employment. It was effecting my social life, making me mean-spirited, and thinking thoughts I never believed I could have. I needed to leave for my safety and the safety of others. Likely a little dramatic, but when you’re filled with such vile emotion for something, there’s not much else but drama.
What’s messed up about it all is I would have needed to leave next month anyway. Changes were coming round, and I had originally intended to stick it out till these changes because of duty and wanting to give proper dues to the employ. What is it they say about plans? I apparently didn’t anticipate the deterioration of my well-being when I first had these intentions back in 2012, and how could I? I was doing pretty well for myself, what with me being more socially active and creating video content on more than a weekly basis. Now months later, I find myself nothing more than an emotionless puppet, because it was better than feeling enraged at those around me. And given those moments were becoming harder to smother, it’s bye-bye, goodbye, I tried. Better to part than deal with things when the ball drops. Would have been quite ugly.
I do not have any work set up, other than setting up personal projects for the next month or two while I get my head straight and also move into Madison. Possibly. Yes, I’m thinking of moving out of the nest once more, only this time I’m a little wiser and richer. Likely more the latter than the former, but as it goes. But why Madison? Well, I’ve been working with Project Famous on a very limited level throughout my employ, and couldn’t commit to a lot of projects that were happening during the week or any projects period. I made a promise to work a lot closer with folk when my time with the employ was up, and moving closer to them just makes logical sense. Spending more money with lower income makes sense to me? Apparently.
I’ll have to find work soon enough, but I have a few things that need to be settled in the meantime. My head has been all out of sorts since this Winter started, and I’ve never really gotten over it. My social awkwardness became more acute due to the environment I worked and the extra extra lack of human contact because I needed to focus on what brought meaning to my life…which couldn’t be accomplished because I was drained after work or when the weekend came round (the latter becoming the norm). It’s became so bad I had to preemptively drop a trip to see a friend’s graduation ceremony because I didn’t have a wingman to keep me sane. It makes me sick to fail expectations I set months ago, but I’ve come to understand myself a lot better this past year than I would like. Had I traveled across the country to the graduation and spent hundreds to see a friend for a few days, I would have spent the majority of it standing around uncomfortably or sitting in my hotel room. This wouldn’t have done good for anyone, because I would become unstable and bitter to my friend and especially myself. I know this is what would have happened and made the wise choice to cancel, and I hate myself for coming into this wisdom.
If there’s any solace to be gleaned from my current circumstances, it’s that things are going to get better. Or at least that’s the hope, because if they don’t I really have to wonder why I bother trying or even living. Yes, those kinds of thoughts are going through my head, deal with it. But it’s going to get better, because I don’t have the dread of the next work week bearing down on me. It’s going to get better because I can finally catch up with the fulfilling work that has been building up for months. It’s going to get better because I can finally work closer with those I’ve gotten to know on a small scale for this past year. It’s going to get better because I want it to, and if it doesn’t regardless of effort on my part…well, no time to think on that in the now. Have some good things to work on, and no time to be thinking on What If. Seriously, I hate What Ifs on principle, as my acting like a comic geek over Marvel Zombies shows.
So what did I do with my first day free from the concept of returning to a job next week? I woke up to my alarm clock after constantly hitting the snooze button for over an hour, which is normal for a weekday. Would have just slept in and woke of my own volition, but I had a meeting for a kloudygirl project I’ve been wanting to kick off since the beginning of the New Year. The speed of events makes me even wonder if it will be the New Year again before we have something concrete, but that’s the fear and stress talking, and I’m certain things will come along fine now that I can punch people in the face with confidence. I mean gently inquire upon the state of things so deadlines are met, myself included. They’re pretty much the same thing, right?
Then I went to a play with a fellow Project Famous member to see another Project Famous member in action. The play was Real Life, and I was honestly taken off guard. One, it’s been years since I’ve been to a play, so it was like walking into another dimension for me, and the content only served to hammer that in. Second, Encore Studios is a theatre company for people with disabilities. You would think the latter fact would have made it into my brain before coming to the play, or at least recalled during one of the many moments the PF member had spoken about her work, but no, completely walked into the performance blind by all circumstances. Going in blind can be good at times, and it did aid in the experience a bit, but I found myself smothering a trigger aversion throughout the performance.
You see, back in the day my mother was very active in assisted living for those with disabilities, and as such I would come into contact with such people through events or work circumstances. My years of upbringing through this taught me those with disabilities are living and thinking people like all “normal” folk, sometimes requiring a little help to get by. Even better, they could be seen as someone with a unique perspective on the world. However, there were incredibly bizarre circumstances that happened during those years, and I may not have known what was happening because I was a kid, but my wiser self does. I may not have a very clear memory of those years, but I recall enough to creep me out. The outcome is a man who has extreme aversion to anyone with disabilities, and I know how much of a horrible person that makes me look in the eyes of certain folk. Granted I tend to think I’m a horrible person as it stands, but I suppose this is icing on the cake?
And I know I get uncomfortable around people in general, but being in a room with someone who has obvious disabilities triggers memories that make me incredibly uncomfortable, and I know how unfair that is. Hence why I needed to smother that feeling while watching Real Life, because when it’s all said an done, those actors knew what they doing on stage. They put on a good performance and they deserved my attention because of it. More so, the play gives you the perspectives of those with troubled lives, the good and especially the bad, and that’s an uncomfortable feeling as well. Even the topic of the play, high-functioning autism and Asperger’s syndrome, makes me uncomfortable given my family tries to throw that label at me, only to have me explain to them I’m really just an asshat (more like I hate labels, but whatever). Point being, Real Life sought to present moments which are awkward and otherwise alien to the majority of the world, and they succeeded in spades with me. Not so much because I wasn’t aware of them, but because the collection of buttons they pressed floored me. Thus is the power of going in blind.
Real Life is not a happy or even sad play when it’s all said and done, but a thoughtful one. What one can take from it is based on the individual, because we all have different boundaries and perceptions. If you are patient, you may take something curious away from the occasion. As of now, there are only two more planned performances of Real Life, so you would be wise to go to them should you be curious. You may think it’s my bias to support another Project Famous member that I recommend you see the play, and I won’t deny it may play a part. Just let it be known it’s the buttons they pushed in me that makes me suggest giving it a shot. At the very least, you will be treated to an amazing musician who plays 10+ instruments over the course of the evening, and damn good at them as well.
Thus was my first day away from the fog of dread, aside from me collecting my thoughts in this blog and whatever may come after it before sleep should take me. I’m past the midnight oil at this point, but I’m out of cares to give. The day was quite the change from the norm, and the changes are really just starting. For the next week I will be going back to Madison three or more times. There are auditions for a play later this Sunday evening, auditions for a Project Famous music video Monday evening, a Project Famous production I wish to support Wednesday evening, and that’s the lot I can remember at this time. I’m quite tired and scattered, what with it only being the start of the weekend from work, and I’m really only competent by the end of the weekend. So even though I don’t have work to look forward to Monday, I’m working on a whole lot of other things. But these are things I wish to do, have wanted to do for awhile, so I’m okay with this. I just hope I can get a little more peace of mind before the stress of all these new things comes on. Eventually. Huzzah for progress?