So just a handful of hours ago, I was quite buzzed to celebrate the ability to not be sober. Or was I just exceptionally tired? I’m honestly not sure. It wasn’t that long ago I went to bed, thinking I would sleep till 12 PM because this was usually how my body feels when it’s going to be like that. Now here we are just a few hours later and I’m wide awake typing this up because I needed something to occupy my mind. Seriously, it needed to get occupied after I read far too much about Paula Deen’s problems. Why the hell do I seek to piss myself off with the lives of people whom I don’t even know about? I get enough reminders that this world is still backwards as it is, so typing away I shall do.
One thing I can note about my time with the brew (and already noted on my Twitter) is I keep forgetting alcohol is meant to be a social drink. I may feel like a fool when I drunkenly speak with folk (or more likely electronically message these days), but it’s honestly the point of the drink. We are social creatures of varying inhibitions, of which I have plenty. These inhibitions are lost in the presence of a little/lot of poison to the blood, bringing out the feeling and need of connection I never really allow myself to have. Well, act on I should say, because I give plenty of, “Whoa is me!” talks as it is. This is not me admitting to wanting “stilts” while in social circumstances, but simply acknowledging why it should happen. And also to attempt a true change in behavior.
You see, I had a talk about my Lent exercises and why I do them with someone I trust. The usual line of dialogue played out: hasn’t Lent ended months ago, I’m a Super Christian in that I go above and beyond, but aren’t I an Atheist, I be Trolling…yeah, just the usual fun that plays out when people talk to me about it. Through the course of this talk it was asked if any of the Lent exercises I’ve done were permanent, to which I had to admit: there is not a single indulgent item I haven’t gone back to. Experimenting in withdrawal is one thing, but permanently changing your behavior is another, which is why I’m going to try and hold to drinking only when in the company of others. Or when I just want to have fun on Facebook. Therefore, when I’m feeling lonely I just need to speak with those I am with, and thanks to the toxin that would be running through my system at that moment, I would actually be able to. As bad as this sounds, it’s honestly an improvement. Shut up, it totally is. Baby steps, you hear!?
Moving away from likely bad logic, I’ve reached out to folk on what I could do with this next Lent, but it was a combination of apathetic responses, ideas which were good but not quite ready to handle, and a personal idea I’m too much of a coward to move forward with. Do intend to move on the good ideas and the scary one in due time, but life has this way of catching up with you if you don’t take the bull by the horns. As such, here we are at the start of another 40 and I’ve given no preparation to what I should give up. I honestly got nothing.
It was at this point I took a bite from a delicious gourmet all butter white chocolate cherry cookie bought at Copps. That store is insane with its selections, yo! I then realized I bought this case only 24 hours ago, and it’s almost gone. I think I’ve gotten my daily allotment of chocolate, sugar, and carbohydrates now! It’s quite true, I live unhealthy when freedom is given to me, and I’ve always had bad impulse control when given the option of eating sweets all day versus having a carrot now and then. And I love carrots, which is the funny circumstance of all this. So…how about I stop now that I more than realize I have a problem?
However, it’s not just cookies from Copps but a lot of little sweets, most popular being the large selection of Little Debbie treats. I tend to finish a box of those (any of them) in under 48 hours. It’s getting quite out of control, especially when I’m supposed to be under my weight goal of 200 lbs from here on out…which I’m now 5 lbs over, by the way. More to do with me dropping my previous employ than anything else, but it’s plain to see the consumption of tasty, wonderful snacks isn’t helping matters. So that’s it! No more quick snacks for consumption whilst I whittle the time away on the computer. Except if it’s a carrot, because that’s totally okay. Om nom nom.
I haven’t decided yet if this Lent includes Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups, candy bars, and other treats I enjoy, though I’m certain it does. Shame, because this Lent came about at the utter horror from realizing how fast I’ve been consuming delicious goodness. More like admitting, because while I knew I certainly didn’t care. Now that I am caring, already regretting because of what it means for all the other things I enjoy and am now giving up. For my own good and all, yes, especially if I hope to follow through on another Lent soon after this. Will see if I’m ready to take that on come July 15, 2013. Now I want more candy. Ugh. I’ll just have some water instead.