Can one really say their life is falling apart again if it’s never been put together to begin with? That’s what it’s always felt like to me, and I tire of having to say the same old garbage when people ask how I’m doing. So I’m just not going to say anything at all and withdrawal from the world a bit. From here on out till I have some sense of control once again, consider me AFK in regards to IRL. Given I’ve been fairly withdrawn from the world already, you may be wondering how this differs from prior periods of withdrawal from the world? Not much, save that I’m freeing myself from feeling obligated to relationships and new ventures.
There’s a certain power I haven’t really used these past few months: saying no. I’ve said yes to a lot of things for some months now, not only because I thought I could handle it and prior commitments, but because I wanted to please others. So I not only continued to mishandle my life, but I continued to be lousy to those I wished to please. The hell with it. I’ve ended my run with theater, I’ve denied assisting on a Project Famous venture happening next week, and will continue to deny new things lest they are necessary so that I may focus only on such items. In fact I view my writing of this as unnecessary because it merely delays that which is still unfinished. However, I’ve found that getting my thoughts in a solid form like writing helps get a better handle on them. Least that’s the hope this time around. So maybe not a big waste of time?
And relationships? I’ve always failed at them. Time and again I find myself letting others down, or at least it appears as such in my mind. I’ve attempted to be more social and speak with people I call friends, including those I only know through strands of connection. This has only lead to me feeling incredibly inadequate and make things uncomfortable with otherwise complete strangers. I tire of feeling the constant guilt of not speaking with folk, especially when willingness to reach out seems to come only from me. So I give up. For now at least. I do care for those I would call friend, but I can’t take this shit anymore. When you’re willing to type that out for the world to see, you know it must be true.
So I’m otherwise keeping myself voluntarily cooped up in my home till I’m satisfied with the work I’ve been neglecting, the creative and of the self. Again this isn’t very different from the hermit existence I had before, except I’m giving a point of focus to my withdrawal rather than the usual anxiety. That I’ll make something of my time remains to be seen, though my current mindset just sees it as a downward spiral into misery I’ve known for far too long. I don’t know what to say or do to give some sense of hope in response to a sentence like that, so I’m not even going to try. Will otherwise be away from the world for awhile, so please leave me be lest we already have something in the works. I’ll respond to inquiries, but I can’t guarantee how open I shall be. Need some time to work things through, and saying I don’t need to work on those things will just make me more miserable.
Lest I give up on those things entirely, which is a dangerous step. Saying no is one thing, but surrender is not an option until all hope is lost. Pray I don’t find reason to lose hope, because that would be annoying…wait, annoying? Annoying rather than soul crushing? Huh. Guess there’s more than a little fight in me left if I can just be annoyed with the fact my hopes and dreams were for nothing. As morbid as that may sound, it’s likely the most positive thought I’ve had all day. Not bad. Now then! Let’s hopefully get to work on some things.