It would seem it’s been almost two months since I’ve last written in this blog. I honestly didn’t want this to happen, and it’s not due to having nothing to write about. My last Lent summary from the Fall is still unwritten, and that’s almost six months ago. Half a year of being unable to write about a very eye opening experience I had, and it’s yet to leave my brain or even be sloshing around as an unformed idea. Just a marker of an idea that’s yet to be formed, along with the “101 ideas” that will be gotten to when I’m ready. If ever.
Depression doesn’t really care about your intentions. What dreams you have no matter the planning are sucked dry and leave you questioning why you even bothered to bring them about to begin with. You get used to not planning things at all just so you can do without the pain you feel when your plans fall apart. I do the same thing to cope with being socially awkward, so I end up calling myself a shit for being a depressive ass rather than a socially awkward depressive ass. It’s how I’ve managed to survive this long, but slowly dying isn’t living, so…as it goes.
But an update is due if just so I can sort things out in my own mind, because I’m not the presumptuous ass to believe anyone gives a shit about what I have to say. One part because my depression says so, one part because my depression is validated by the actual numbers and discussions I get because of my writing (aka none). In the end it’s always been more about what I want out than any actual connections, so I may as well talk to myself because no one else is getting these thoughts. Seriously, with as much as I tend to freeze up around even my friends, it’s amazing that anything at all comes out of me.
As already noted, I have a Lent article that needs to have been out almost half a year ago, and at the rate I’m becoming better at handling things (ha ha), it may be another month or two before I even consider touching it. At the very least I can say that there has been no other Lent challenges since, and I don’t think I’ll be taking on any new/old ones in the near future. The majority of the Lents I could take on from here on out (new and especially old) are stressful circumstance. Better to have my life be on good standing then mix in even more chaos. There are a lot of other articles to come as well, including a passionate piece about how I managed to feel so amazingly happy this past Valentine’s Day. That sure lasted long, didn’t it? So…be on the lookout?
Video production has continued to be nonexistent. There have been a total of ten (I think?) videos released since my isolation, breakdown, and admission of my complete mental incompetence. Some of these videos were forced for the reason of obligation, and my failure to finish them on or around the time they were needed would have resulted in suicide. Or the “better” outcome, surrender into complete misery, which may become a reality (suicide too) should I continue to falter at this hobby I profess to enjoy. Through this entire time, I’ve been editing on and off a short that as of last month was filmed over a year ago. It’s nearly finished. Audio and video just need a little more work, and it would be done. This is a project that shouldn’t take more than a few days of committed work, because I’ve seen myself produce something like this in similar circumstances. And I can’t bring myself to even open the video editor to just look at it.
It’s infuriating to feel so helpless at wanting to feel something you know you love, want to love, but can’t love because your body is working against you. Hell, even writing this is suddenly becoming a bother. I want and need to tell you so many things, but my brain and hands aren’t working together. In the end this might result with a blog that’s delayed by a day (oh please god just let it be a day), and I’ll be punching myself in the face all the way just so it gets done…usually resulting in a sloppy product. In other words, the short I’ve been meaning to finish for over a year is going to delay even more, and I’m beating myself senseless to finish it, and while I don’t want to release a shitty short it doesn’t look like I have the option. And this is just one of the many projects I’ve delayed.
So my hobby is slowly killing me even though I’m not taking part in it. As always I try and be nice to myself so as not to invoke a sudden need end all thought, but having to constantly set a new date for a Teh Random video because it contains behind the scenes footage from the short I’m working on…it’s bothersome. So much so I try and commit to my isolation promise of not taking on new projects, so I can finish what I start. Bah. In the meantime, I’ve committed myself to continue the VLOG Weekly route and make weekly shitty webcam videos when I’m incapable of working the camera and editor like I know I can when sane. Until then, may the self loathing continue.
Another convention has been visited this past weekend, making it the third one I’ve gone to and the first one I ever preregistered for. Called Fur Squared, and your guess as to what it may be about is likely spot on: Furries. To answer you first question I am not a Furry, to answer your second I went because someone I know guaranteed I would have a good time. I certainly did have that, but I dipped right back into the negative hardcare because of it. I’m going to write a larger post about the convention like I usually do for other cons, so that’s really all I’m going to say about it in the now. Other than I’m disappointed in all you folk making presumptuous thoughts about Furries. I’m throwing so many pillows at you right now it’s not even funny.
Project Famous shenanigans are coming on the rise again, or I at least think that to be the case. A gathering for the collective was held this past Sunday, giving a reminder I have many a thing I need to finish before too many people are wrapped up within planning in the awesome weather we will (hopefully) be having. I made sure to go for the first half of the meetup, which dealt with speeches, introductions, and planned structures. I made sure to run from the second, which was a simple meet and greet. Not to slight the people I know there because they are awesome, but if they wanted to speak with me they would have, and I knew they were in their element with the strangers and each other. I have enough sense not to waste their time or mine when it’s better for all parties if I just left.
This is not something I like saying, but it’s become a painful reality to me. I even had a reminder not even a week before this PF gathering to show me how far away I need to be from meet and greets. Madison Geekery had one of it’s official social gatherings (a meet and geek, I do so love word play), which are apparently a big deal. Being the guy who wanted to have a bigger presence in the meetup and the world at large, I committed to going. And wanted to leave the moment I arrived. On pros of the evening, I got to try my first Irish Coffee. On the cons, I never felt so miserable in front of strangers who did nothing wrong other than have the misfortune to sit next to a silent idiot. Surprisingly, I managed to sit and watch others talk for two hours before leaving. I could have left and had the alcohol leave my body elsewhere, but I burdened being a social outcast in front of much more competent people. So huzzah for resilience I guess.
I know I’m supposed to be trying something different than what I’ve done in the past, but I don’t think I’m supposed to hate myself in the company of people, especially those who say they want to have me around in social functions they are at home with. I would be much more at home working on something I mutually care about with another, rather than having to make up something on the spot just to fill up the time. Yes, a relationship fits into such a category, but no one is coming to me to grow a relationship at a meet and greet, and wouldn’t choose such a function to grow it. I will otherwise keep my distance from meet and greets in the future, lest someone indeed needs my presence there. And I mean needs my presence there, not invite me in the hopes of discouraging my fears and then have me fend for myself. Those circumstances just suck.
Maybe this is just a lot of the depression talking, but in the now this is how I feel and what I need to be stable. Which blows, because I have a feeling a lot of what’s going down with Project Famous gatherings will work out just like this, and I hate I can’t be with the people I want to be around because I’m too uncomfortable to “be” there. I seriously go into my head just to survive such things if I have no means of escape, and it’s not a good place. But hopefully there will be legit projects in the coming months, or better yet some of my own projects (ha ha). Through those, we will be working towards growing something that is concrete, that has a function and purpose in the world, and god willing…I may be able to socialize in a manner that is fitting towards the growth I need. From there I could possible build toward going to another meet and greet and thrive, but until then…far, far away.
Speaking of Project Famous, the magazine has accepted another article I wrote, this one about vlogging with a supposed “How To” emphasis, though my critique of it wouldn’t really call it as such. Mind you when you’re speaking on vlogging, there really isn’t much you can do in regard to a how it is done, other than finding what works for you and if the (very likely) lack of rewards is worth it to you. Anyway, be sure to read the full issue of the magazine my article appears in, because the lot of it is better than anything I have to say. It’s honestly amazing that anything I write is even being considered, especially a piece that wasn’t even inspired by my own merits (you know who you are). Much as I supposedly create for a supposed audience, I have the sense to know it’s wretched and unworthy of any praise. That this is a legit thought or one drowning in depression will be seen, but it’s the feeling I’m going with at this time.
I saw another Broom Street Theater play last night called Chat, and I knew it would strike a chord with me. A play not just about online dating, but the evolving methods of how and why we communicate with the inclusion of the Internet? Damn right I’m going to be there! And I wasn’t disappointed. I had hoped to see the show with someone, as it my thing I’ve been trying to do for awhile: never see a show alone. This came about because I got tired of feeling miserable about having no one to share the experience with and/or was filled with too much social anxiety to deal with the folk around me. Having company is a win for everyone involved…lest the company finds me despicable, and given how I tend to think of myself these days I wouldn’t hold a grudge.
My company fell through for this night’s performance, and I’m not too surprised. Sure it’s someone I originally choose a week before the show opened…I think…but the communication has been spotty throughout the entire four week run of Chat. And with the depression I got after my last weekend, I didn’t come out of my cloud until the night prior to last night’s show. I dislike making such short notice plans myself, so I can understand how something that wasn’t even put together fell apart. It doesn’t make it any less soul crushing, mind you, though it’s better to understand why you feel bad than to just feel it, you know?
Regardless, I committed to seeing Chat last night, and I’m glad I did. It was crazy hella balls awesome. Having used the Internet for such a long time and pretty much being Jake Penner’s role (minus legit business applicable skills), the performance clicked with me so much. In a depressing way as well mind you, because I saw my social flaws littered throughout the play, but the bitter makes the sweet all the sweeter. As a comedic story of love in the information age, I don’t think there’s anyone who can’t appreciate it. Oh, and one of the final lines of Jake Penner? I may have busted my gut from laughing, but it was honestly a very convincing and confident performance. It’s pretty much why I likely pissed off those around me with laughter. Seriously glad I got to see it, even if it was yet another outing alone.
And that’s the whole of what’s been happening with me, or at least what I can coherently think on/recall at this late hour. Writing in one sitting isn’t healthy, but it’s a necessity when the passion to share is within me, and I don’t know if I’ll have it the next day or even month. So I hope you enjoyed this incoherent trip of a reading, is all I have to say. Hopefully there will be more well put together pieces in the near future. This suicidal depressive can only hope.