I am in the midst of another downward spiral, and find myself wanting to retreat from people as I did in the Fall of last year. And while I am aware of this and that it’s a bad for me in the long run, it’s hard to find reason to care. When every affirmation you give yourself is accompanied with ridiculous amounts of doubt, you’re better off just simmering in the misery you already have without being reminded of the crap you view your life to be. As such, I’m not really pressuring myself to do much of anything these days. Anything I can do (and need to do) is far too tainted with vile emotion for me to feel safe with it, making it so I never follow through at all. In other words, yet another pathetic perpetual state of sadness.
So I do need to make sure I’m doing something, but finding a task is a task unto itself. House chores help, because aside from the fact they need to be done, the sense of accomplishment is a tiny boost to keep going on things. They are things that I can see, and clearing them up clears up my mind. I try and make it a habit to be Spring cleaning 24/7, though habits are hard to keep when you don’t feel much of anything. Having a living space that is in a constant state of flux must be quite surprising to others, but given that no one sees it to begin with…*shrug*
Aside from my physical home life being a mess, my tower computer can be quite messy as well. I usually pride myself on my file organization, but even my desktop looks chaotic these days. On top of that, plenty of files have accumulated over time, making the few hundred GB I have seem rather small (it is by today’s storage standards, but I digress). You would think I’d focus on the files which complicate it the most, aka video files, but that would require me to actually work upon my video production, and when I’m in one of these funks I tend to “forget” how a video editor works. Bouts of inspiration come weeks as a time, and I’m better off working with other file formats. One such venture was the consolidation of my music files into iTunes, after which I made a backup and deleted the older files, freeing me of a paltry 10 GB. Great success.
From there I started looking at the My Documents folder to see what I could delete or categorize, and found old PDF printouts of my Akoha accomplishments and mission list. Readers of my blog may recall that I used these as filler inspiration on my blog for a little over a year. However, one of these documents was a list of missions I never finished but always intended to get into. So…because you’ve already seen the title of this post, you are likely sighing, “Thank god,” because I’m finally getting around to a semblance of a point. I’ve decided to take on the collection of Akoha missions I left unfinished. The writing will give me a sense of accomplishment by getting something out of myself, trying new things (with people as well), and potentially allowing me to delete these old files from my computer, having a much more comprehensive tell in this blog. Don’t judge, it’s through things like this that give me my sanity, okay?
The first mission I’ve chosen is titled “Power of 3 Little Words,” and while it didn’t give a mission description it noted “how small word like this make difference in life”…and that’s exactly how it was written. One of those user submitted missions, with very poor overview before it was validated. Regardless of the poor English, it can be understood by its feel, and I have a feeling the mission’s author didn’t want it to be about any three words, but three specific ones: I Love You. A little deceiving on the author’s part, and even if there was honesty it’s still keeping a lot of people from being able to participate. Not everyone has someone to say “I Love You” to, hear it from another, and are even willing to share the words because of the mess it tends to bring. I’m not just being contrary, I’m speaking from experience.
“I Love You” has only ever been said by me to a very select group of people. Family is obvious, but is usually only said in response to an “I Love You” rather than me offering it out of nowhere. There were times I said it to those who didn’t deserve it, which has left me rather scarred. Then there were likely times I threw it around as a kid, without much understanding of how emotionally tied people were to the words, and using them improperly did more harm than good. The last is the largest reason I don’t use the words a lot, and if I did go into a story about how much a difference the words have made for me, it would be a piece that’s more vile than I’m willing to put out in the now. Better to speak of words that do have good feels connected to them, and I have no qualms over sharing them and the consequences they bring.
And it’s already been noted what those words are in a prior posting: honesty, decency, and integrity. Truth to your words, proper treatment of others, and being accountable for what you express by action. It’s the trinity that keeps me sane and are hopeful adjectives one could connect with me. Oddly enough, this trinity I hope to adhere to is similar to the trinity in the Eight Virtues of Ultima: Truth, Love, and Courage. So apparently my goal is to become The Avatar, a Jesus figure of the highest order, fighting evil through battle and debate. Hell, it would certainly be a better outlook of living than the one I currently have, that is for sure.
So like cleaning house usually does, finding this old PDF reminded me of a few things. One, that I’m incredibly obsessive about the most mundane things that it’s ridiculous. Two, I have plenty of unfinished business, even if it’s business that no one cares about but me. Three, there is set of virtues I need to make sure I adhere to, now matter how wretched things may appear to me. Triangle power must be respected. Hopefully you’ll stick around for the coming Akoha summaries I have in store. Not all will be self indulgent works like this, but will require participation from another. May I have the nerve to call on folk when they come around.