To Manufacture Hope

The world continues to show it will always have more trouble to throw at me. About two weeks ago, my computer issues accumulated into a hardware and/or software issue I don’t understand in the slightest. The next course of action is to take it to a computer shop or computer savvy friend to decipher the issue for me, put in the necessary repairs, replacements, upgrades, etc. so I can continue the media creation I was getting into the habit of using. Problem being, that isn’t an option for me at this time. Even getting a quote on what the computer will cost me is out of the question, because funds have become so tight I can’t allow anything but the essentials anymore.

As such, I am only ever able to make use of the Internet when someone is willing to lend their own computer to me. My roommate has thus far been very forgiving of my situation, though I loathe becoming attached to using his laptop, because it’s just allowing me to continue being attached to a lifestyle I no longer have the means to keep up with anymore. To create for anymore. There are no more video production, photoshop experiments, music/podcast appreciation, or social media communications (to the scale I was doing at least). Now there is only the dire need of continual work for the next several months as I seek to cover rent, car insurance, computer repair/replacement, wedding expenses (I’m the Best Man again), and bicycle issues because I don’t know how a certain situation will play out yet.

So…how am I coping with all of this? Okay, for the most part. In the past the big problem in my head is the fear of rubbish happening to me, and now that the rubbish is all around me…it’s not that bad? It’s still a pain in the ass, mind you, but it’s nice to know where I’m standing in terms of my station against the world: chin deep in crap. But there’s a blessing to losing touch with everything you’ve had and potentially could have had: it’s akin to a hard reset. My self destructive mind has been on the mind for a reset for the longest time, even potentially bricking my life, because I was so damn tired of the state I find myself. I’m still tired, but this lose of a highly important tool to my life has opened my mind up to a thought I’m holding onto for the sake of my sanity.

Simply put, there are some things that don’t exist in my life anymore. Never existed. Contrary to what you may find on YouTube, I don’t have a video camera or know how to video edit. I don’t have an iPod through which I listen to an amazing assortment of music and especially podcasts, whose personalities I’ve enjoyed and will not be able to keep up with. I never meddled media, be it photo or audio, with the intention of taking on bigger tasks. Well…this last bit is a little white lie, because I actually managed to share my voice for another episode of Final Fantasy 7: Abridged, but it was through a system which felt uncomfortable, and I couldn’t work the full extent of what i wanted. In the end it’s the same: these creative ventures were from a Jacob that never existed, and I am something else entirely.

I am the Jacob that is still an able bodied man, who can act, sing, and dance when the moment strikes him. I am a capable writer with plenty to blog about, draft writings to go through, and scripts to complete. I have relationships which have been neglected but are still strong, and should I overcome many issues they will become validated relations rather than just ones which I’ve come to believe as imaginary. I have much to work towards and strive for, and cutting a piece of myself has given me more focus upon that which I’ve lost track of. That’s the hope at least. That my issues will allow me to work towards them is another thing altogether.

So this is me for the next several months. When I’m not working to pay off the many bills that are incoming, I’m going to be writing, thinking, using and training my body, and attempting to reach out to others. I don’t have much faith it’s going to go well for me, but I’ll live through it as I always have. Or not. However it goes down, I at least have a tiny speck hope in the now, and it’s giving me focus. As ever I await how the world will respond to what little control I have. May the trash pile at least allow me to walk in the long run.


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