I’m a tad drunk right now, so this is of course the best time to talk about the depression that has consumed my life for almost the past year. A little over one year ago, I dropped everything in my life with other people: projects, communications, plans, etc. so I could focus on me and the things I needed to do for myself. What I found was I couldn’t even do that, and spiraled into a deeper depression because I was unwilling to establish connections with those I felt wanted nothing to do with me. Self harm was the only logical solution to me in an illogical sense, because lashing out at the world would have meant the end of me anyway, and I would have much rather hurt myself than those I thought mattered. That they matter at all is another thing entirely, because the point is in my head they mattered a hell of a lot, which is lovely and horrible all at once.
So…what has changed? If I was exceptionally critical of my standing, I would say not much. I’m still the vile shit fellow who no one wants anything to do with, that makes everyone uncomfortable to the point of ignoring the poor pitiful fellow, and can’t tell which way is correct even when a map is laid out for it. But the critic in me has gotten a tad tired of things, and I would much rather be ignorant of the bad stuff in my life and focus upon that which invokes the grandiose within me. If that isn’t progress, I don’t know what is. Continue reading