I’m a tad drunk right now, so this is of course the best time to talk about the depression that has consumed my life for almost the past year. A little over one year ago, I dropped everything in my life with other people: projects, communications, plans, etc. so I could focus on me and the things I needed to do for myself. What I found was I couldn’t even do that, and spiraled into a deeper depression because I was unwilling to establish connections with those I felt wanted nothing to do with me. Self harm was the only logical solution to me in an illogical sense, because lashing out at the world would have meant the end of me anyway, and I would have much rather hurt myself than those I thought mattered. That they matter at all is another thing entirely, because the point is in my head they mattered a hell of a lot, which is lovely and horrible all at once.
So…what has changed? If I was exceptionally critical of my standing, I would say not much. I’m still the vile shit fellow who no one wants anything to do with, that makes everyone uncomfortable to the point of ignoring the poor pitiful fellow, and can’t tell which way is correct even when a map is laid out for it. But the critic in me has gotten a tad tired of things, and I would much rather be ignorant of the bad stuff in my life and focus upon that which invokes the grandiose within me. If that isn’t progress, I don’t know what is.
The change started happening over two months ago. I have no clear indication of what it was that brought it about, because the feelings are so fluid they just tend to bleed into each other. Can say that I was in the midst of being frustrated I wasn’t getting the necessary communication I “needed” for a Project Famous production I wanted to move forward, and I eventually did something drastic: I said fuck it and threw caution to the wind, and went ahead spearheading the project on my own. And instead of crumbling from the constant pressure that was more responsibility…I was able to keep going. Past experience has shown me I should have cracked, and the project certainly wasn’t making things easy for me, but there I was functioning and being okay for the most part.
The project in question is Ominous Madison, what I hope to be an anthology film shown at the upcoming ART NIGHT / FRIGHT NIGHT via the Madison Art Hub. Truth, the entire thing happened within a vacuum, which made me incredibly uncomfortable because I loathe putting my empty heart into something no one gives a damn about. But by golly, it turned out a few people were willing to give a damn, and I began working with them, building them up, and bringing about a venue to show the fruits of their labor which is now ART NIGHT / FRIGHT NIGHT. And it feels damn good to have it be a real thing.
Things are still up in the air, given there is still so much that needs to be done, what with promotion and actually making content for the venue. But most soul crushing is the hope people follow through on the commitment they gave to make things work, which in the past would kill me because I was unwilling to trust anyone for anything. More like I would kill myself than deal with the stress it would give me. But now? I’m for the most part oblivious to that which I can’t control. If people don’t follow through, it’s all good, because I’m already in too deep to back out. I’ll just make due and deal with the consequences, and may the world be the fairy godmother it proclaims to be and allow forgiveness and thus give the ability to learn from the mistakes I make.
Ignorance is bliss. It’s the only truth I’ve gathered in my time through self destructive depression, or at least that which I’m capable or willing to share in my drunken typing. Attempting to take all of life in, to know it’s full value, the good and bad, and attempt to control your path through the great mass of being…it’s just too much. I finally get that. The tragedy of Tiffany Aching, Doctor Manhattan, and other aspects of total mental clarity finally makes sense to me…again, because I continue to go over this point a lot with myself and others, and sometimes forget what I’ve written just a few years ago. But that’s okay, because ignorance is bliss. I’m allowed to rediscover what I already know, to go through the motions of discovery and joys it gives me, over and over again. I don’t need to behold the sun at all times, burning myself for fear I might be losing my way. Sometimes you need to wander around in the dark, relying upon what’s inside you and trusting in what you find along the way.
In conclusion, there’s no light at the end of the tunnel, so forget all that rubbish all the supposed positive thinking people tell you when things are down, because they aren’t even trying to be with you in the moment when you need the most comfort. You know what there is? Just a lot of damn hard work to do, and you need to be ignorant and/or stubborn about the perceived failings of those around you. Because in the end all you have is you to rely on, and everyone is going to fail you no matter how much you wish them not to fail. This is of course not the full reality of the matter, which is a mess of good intentions and perceived obligations that deter their concern, and thus don’t deserve hatred. Just the nature of the beast we are burdened with.
But really, go and build something with another. That’s really the best thing I can say right now against all the doubt and madness I’ve gone through. As best you can, be proactive in your interaction with people, and build something of worth even if it should turn out you were the only one that cared for it. You are going to get hurt one way or another, and that’s well and good. Because in the end you are putting your trust in the world, an act that really isn’t done by many people these days. Be careful with this fire, as always, and be sure to draw into the comfort of shadows when exhaustion should hit. If you’re lucky, one day there will be someone there for you who acknowledged and appreciated the trust you gave in them, and you may be able to comfort each other. It’s a pipe dream, albeit a good one, though never the goal in this mad world.