I am not positive and have not been a positive person for some years now. That I’ve had a better attitude these last several months means nothing because the urge to stab sharp shards in my neck still happens. In other words, don’t let the title of this blog fool you. Rather, speaks of an ideally positive Jacob without the annoyance of reality holding him down. More on that in a moment, because let’s talk backstory.
My roommate has attempted to become a mental assist life some months before I had my actual turnaround, to give an ear and guidance under the rule I give some of my own in turn. Uncertain how much use I’ve actually been to him, but the work has actually been great for me. We’ve fallen behind a tad on the things we started up in those beginning weeks, but those starting weeks were damn good.Also unsteady, given we were attempting something I don’t believe either of us did before (well, certainly not me). Topics and exercises were selected based more on trying them out than actual efficiency, which is fine and good because working and doing a thing is better than no thing at all. One exercise involved making two lists, one titled “Negative Jacob” and the other “Positive Jacob,” and I’m certain you can guess what went into them. Once both lists were written, my roommate took the “Negative” list and burned it, saying it doesn’t exist anymore. Just what is “Positive” about Jacob.
And of course it doesn’t really work like that, even IF I cant remember what it was I put on that list. I can certainly repopulate it with a lot more negative thoughts of mine, but that would be poor use of energy. What’s good use of energy? Noting the “Positive” in my life, a list of which has been taped upon my wall for months. But like many a thing due to depression, it gets let go and/or ignored, its power lost in the field of meh. It’s time to remind myself of what’s good in life.
- Ninja Sex Party – Item number one! I joke you not! These items are listed in the order I wrote them. And it just so happens I was listening to a hell of a lot of NSP at the time. Such happy, perverse, and clever music they create, and it’s hard to feel bad about things when you listen to their music with the accompanying video.
- MLP: Frienship is Magic – And I also watched plenty of colorful ponies. Still do. Yes. Moving on.
- Pooping – I don’t understand people and their incredible hatred of going to the bathroom. The experience has always been enjoyable to me, especially a long drawn out number two. The kind you can bring a piece of reading into. My choice is always Dungeons & Dragons material, because the mechanics of gaming coupled with the storytelling mixed in just makes me smile. The only exception to enjoying poop is when it’s nothing but water for more than two visits to the throne, and when your exit point has been burned or rubbed raw. Then it just sucks. Otherwise, all poops all of the time, much yes.
- Cakes – Fluffy, moist treats of varying flavors and delights. Sometimes with frosting, sometimes fruits. Always a glorious sensation in my mouth.
- TEH DANCING – I enjoy moving my body around when in good spirits. Sometimes I even twirl and dance about without the need of music. And when The Music should play? Don’t even get me started on The Feels and what they make me do. Because they are better left fluid and intangible than shape of joy you can comprehend. That I could live in those moments all the time. But I guess that’s what fighting depression is all about, so…
- Laughter – Not the sound of my own, mind you, but the infectious bellows of another. Tend to be taken rather sinisterly when I’m feeling at my worst, making me believe others are laughing at me. However, when I’m almost to that point? Lifts me up to know there’s some joy being had by someone somewhere in this world.
- Chiptune – I’ve talked enough about the how and why this makes me have Feels, right? Good.
- Hugs – That which would likely give me the most joy right now is the one thing I can’t get. Or believe I can’t get for fear of breaking the world asunder because of the perceived drama it would bring: getting a hug. No, not just a quick hold and it’s good, I mean actually being held and to hold back for an extended period of time. I haven’t had this for over a year now, with another year happening even before the last time it happened. Small hugs help now and then, but they more often than not remind me of how alone in my skin I am (along with being alone in general). Have been attempting steps to fix this problem of mine, but tiptoeing around the issue helps no one, so…we will see.
- Kung Fu – Physical feats of amazeballs. A fine description of Kung Fu films (or more broadly Martial Arts). Gets the blood pumping, and does it ever make you want to get on your feet and attempt it on your own. As such, damn good motivators for exercise (when depression is low, of course).
- Pizza – It’s safe to say this has become it’s own food group, given how normal it now is to consume it on a daily basis. And I don’t mind, aside form the fact it’s slowly turning me into something I despise. Favorite pizza to date is a tie between Toppers Mac N’ Cheese on Tall Boy crust, and Glass Nickel Pizza‘s Cardiac Arrest atop the thickest crust they have. Yum.
- Milkshakes – Tasty creamy treats of awesome which come in so many diffferent flavors. But I’m usually just content with vanilla, making a conscious choice to stay away from other flavors because they feel too overpowering at times. Just a random tidbit about me I suppose, so enjoy it. But yeah, delicious “beverage” to have now and than, which is more akin to a poor meal given what it puts inside you. As it goes.
- Internet – The provider of all things good and bad in my live. Mostly good, giving it’s allowed me an outlet and means to discover myself away from it as well. I can’t damn a thing that’s shown my many good things, and find more sense in damning myself than the opportunities wasted. One of the many reasons I’m where I am. All the same, thanks, Internet.
- Eternal Sunshine – Much as I loathe the past and how it’s made me who I am, I accept it because I’ve experienced beautiful things. Small in scope to how one is supposed to live and think at this point (yeah, no normal, I get it, shut up), but those memories are what keep me going, for better or worse. Why this film strikes me to the heart so much. It’s a beautiful love that’s tragic and horrible, but still wonderful to hold onto. Because some things make you better for knowing them. The trick afterword is to not become twisted enough to despise those moments, and it’s oh so easy.
- Bailey – If there’s anyone to “blame” for my beliefs of sexuality and gender, it’s America’s sweetheart (the way she’s branded herself, shush it’s cute). When your brain comes to conflict with something, it has one of two options: accept what it concludes, or reject it. And had I rejected the idea that Bailey Jay was an attractive individual, I would have become just another homophobic bigot. So thank you, Brain, for putting me on the right path toward loving and accepting people, rather than killing a part of me and likely others in the process. Good job, you work some of the time.
- Rocky Horror -And I suppose a movie musical about a transvestite could potentially put others toward a pansexual path as well, but it really had nothing of the sort to do with me. I just really, really like Rocky Horror Picture Show. People mock it for being a supposedly bad movie, but I think it’s well made for it’s time and has good music. Also, it’s a fun film to watch, especially with others. Even before the live audience shows that sprung from it. Any film that can allow you to forget the world a little and have fun with an idea is a success of a movie, and RHPS delivers. Nuff said.
Fun fact: This list has been organized by a positive turned negative self, and in scattered order. If you’re perceptive enough, you can see where each self had their say about certain topics. Just the way the beast works, and I’m certainly finishing it with filth in my head. As it goes. Long as I may not have your attention, how about we go over a few things I need to be accomplishing in the coming year. This IS Pwning Life, after all.
It’s already known I have a collection of Akoha posts to be finishing up on, and then I can finally be done with it. Thanks be to Thor for that, because I’m tired of the perceived obligation it places upon me. Anyway, right now there are a collection of 23 different accomplishments to complete and write about. Number should be exact if I was smart and took out the redundant ones, included a wrap-up post, and didn’t jerry the counting to begin with. Starting next week, should I start posting an article at least once a week I should be done sometime past June 2015. Sometime, because some posts cannot be made out of order, and are in conflict with weather, schedule, etc. so we at least I should be through in Summer 2015. If I’m on my game.
A collection of old rough drafts and critiques for my writing need to be applied in my Google Drive documents, where I’m hoping to work upon my writing from here on out. Some of these writings aren’t even on my Drive yet, and need to be typed in. That’s 1000+ words that need to be looked through and tabulated in every document, sometimes with thought upon on how to best put in the critique suggestions, on top of the new communications and writings I’m supposed to do. Not counting the rough draft journal, have 50+ typed documents to look through. Having no realistic concept of how long I’m supposed to commit to this daily, no idea when this will see completion.
The vice of Dungeons & Dragons has hit me again, requiring me to push through and finally “code” campaign ideas I’ve been having, along with some friendly games with folk I’ve been promising for quite awhile. Thankfully I have plenty of D&D material available to me via books, online resources, magazines, etc. but the work comes round when I actually need to gather these materials and write them up to how I will need them to be for game time. Games for family/friend group to consider, one with my roommate and company, video projects based around D&D. Oh! And a DM Wiki resource so that the collective works of DMs can be analyzed, reused, recycled. etc. so that no one has to go through this amount of work again. Because it’s a pain in the ass.
Plenty of health issues in my life, some that can’t be taken care of without money, while others just require me to have a spine and commit to them. Proper hygiene, exercise, diet…all capable of being controlled by me. My continual mental relapses into madness? Out of my control! Save that I can throw money at it when I manage to attain it. Have gotten myself a bit on my feet thanks to some consistent employ, but on it being there for me down the road? Out of my hands. In the meantime let’s eat bananas like a pro.
And then there’s the supposedly tons of video projects I want to be working upon. Want to be rid of the past works quickly (if I can even do them anymore, because computer issues), and finally see a big project to completion. Funny, because in the end that project will only amount to 8 minutes of film to show, max. That others will be on board for it when it should come around…well, we shall see. And so much of this can’t be done properly till I get my own computer setup back, which SHOULD be soon, given the talk of stable employ. Hell, if I can get myself a Chromebook, I must be capable of fixing the damn thing, right? Whatever.
What’s on my head for the coming months, and that’s on top of the other things I don’t mention but may/may not mention elsewhere because the Internet is a series of tubes, and information is difficult to manage when it isn’t centrally located or directed at the right people properly. Communication! *sigh* shit ain’t easy in a world where you have no idea who to or whom you are talking to. 😦
Tagged: Anger, Depression, Dungeons & Dragons, Fear, Film, Food, Happiness, Love, Madison, Memories, Music, My Little Pony, Religion, Review, Sex, Social, Tabletop Gaming, Therapy, Video Games, YouTube