It’s now the evening hours of Christmas Eve, and I’m in a bit of a haze due to several hours of napping but not really napping. Barely passing out in front of your newly acquired Chromebook doesn’t constitute rest, and the hours of nothing have gotten to me. Need to get myself into action before the day is through, so I’m writing and affirming my thoughts to help those actions along. Christmas time is the time I get my own personal work done, after all.
Yeah, personal work, because I’ve spent Christmas time the same way since (I believe) 2011: by myself, and keeping to myself so as to not bother the times others have for themselves. Now that I think of it, it’s the same with every birthday, New Year’s Eve, etc. in that I never made plans. Plan entail the presence of others, and I could never convince myself to believe others would want to spend time with me during these moments. Especially on short notice, because it was and is always the case with me and the way my brain worked/works. Just don’t be a bother, because it’s not like you’re going to get much of a response anyway.
Let people to be with their lives…one of the many pieces of coded “logic” in m brain that I need to get out of me. This intense fear that I’m always going to break things, do poorly, etc. so don’t bother keeps me from a lot of things in my life. That and general depressive exhaustion, which just helps these thoughts along when perceived deadlines loom, and I come to the conclusion that crashing and burning is better than feeling shitty in the midst of working for something that isn’t wanted. So yeah, holidays continually become a time of work for me because of my desire to keep away from the drama of being around others. That I need to presence of others to keep me sane doesn’t escape me, and I tend to fall into pits by myself more often than not.
This year is little different. Today right after work, I spent an Eve lunch with my roommate and two friends of his. Good meal, new location experienced, and fun laughs. Right after this was the potential for more fun, but I decided to take a “nap” and we already know how that went. Tomorrow, I was invited to an Orphan Christmas from someone whom I don’t speak with often, but given how good the conversation seems to go after not seeing them for over a year, you would think there would be more attempts to get together. Regardless that thought, think I’m going to show up and see if it’s inviting, and hopefully come away with some good feels.
Last time I spent Christmas with company was with a couple friend’s family back in 2010, having heard I wasn’t doing anything till my family gathering. Felt good, and I thought it was going to be a good friendship in the long run. Turned sour with all of that social circle, haven’t bothered to look back, and the continued failures continue to convince me to keep to myself for the good of the world. Or something like that. But…going to attempt this Orphan function. See where it goes.
Then there’s the New Year’s Eve shenanigans, which is going to be VASTLY different from last year. We hosted a party in our household, and not even halfway through the party I shut myself in my room, loathing myself and the people in the household, wanting to be alone and not reminded of my place in the universe. Instead of all that I’ll be assisting in a New Year’s Eve theatrical production right after work, and should I be in a good place attend a friend’s Eve party right after. Going to be a long night, and hopefully my mind doesn’t break in the midst of all that and have me end the year on a poor note. We will see where I’m at the day of, as always.
Well. That’s about all I have on my mind at this time in regards to the intention of this topic, whatever it is. Other than I still don’t think I’m going to be contacting anyone outside of those I need to contact for business, deadlines, etc. because I have no idea whom would be receptive of me. Rather than randomly call on a bunch of people and hope on conversation/connection, will just focus on me and my own. Yes, I know there are others out there in need of connection, and I admit I’m a wuss about this. But I’m also acknowledging it’s a problem, which is on the way toward resolving the problem. Baby steps.
Anyway, time to hopefully be awesome, and perhaps jump about all those things I mentioned in my last posting. Near the bottom. Yeah. But first, stretch/yoga, because my body is knotted up and is only going to be worse after a jog on my roommates treadmill. The things we do to keep our mind and body refined. Ug.