A Balloon of Feels Which is Being Blogged About After Months of Silence

The times I feel most like writing are when I’m coming out of a depressive haze. Now is one of those times. Well, when I started this posting in the early hours of May 29th, that is. Spent the majority of that day staring at this Chromebook’s screen. A large majority of that was spent saying, “What the hell am I doing?” to myself, feeling the dull ache I usually do when helpless over a thing.

I had a multitude of people I could have written to in that late hour. A lot of people whom I’ve neglected writing, to be honest, but I honestly just wanted to have something to myself. To say these words out to me, whatever they may be, and reflect. That’s what this blog is all about, and sometimes that’s better than to try to attempt a connection with another person (a lot of persons). I think that’s what’s been lacking in my life right now. Or then. That I’m able to follow forth with these actions is another thing, because Feels. And hey, it’s been some time since I started this, right?

So…I had a funk? What brought me out of it (or at least a little while)? A movie called Film Geek, which is a combination of good and bad. On one side, there are a collection of good shots and scenes which displays the understanding of amazing cinema and the filmmakers own appreciation of the craft (main character is basically Rain Man for films). Then there’s sloppy flow, pace, transitions, and framing of shots which make you cringe, because they should have known better. If you’re making a movie which talks about how much you love all these other movies, then presenting a product which shows how your love affected you is necessary. Film Geek still gets a pass from me despite this, because it touches me in a few places…

  1. I’m a fan of people “making stuff,” especially if said “stuff” is a passion project, which I believe Film Geek was. Better that such a film exists than not at all.
  2. A movie that glorifies movies tickles my fancy more than a tad. See myself as a bit of a film buff, and connect with a lot of actions the lead takes. Even the stupid ones. On that…
  3. Film Geek is incredibly cruel to it’s lead, who is beaten every step of the way because of what he can’t change: himself. He’s a social misfit whose brain is on a different level from others, and a lot of what others dislike him for would be helped if he just managed to connect with just a few people.

#3 isn’t much of a reason to like Film Geek, though I do appreciate a film that doesn’t hold back and kicks your teeth in a little (oh yeah, Film Geek has one of those endings). More than it’s connecting with a lot of internal feels in what I put out to the world, especially if I happen to be associated with it. Might come as no surprise, but without fail I will go out of my way to degrade myself. If I’m creating a thing and happen to put myself in an important position, I need to make sure I belittle how big my part is, to the point of harm.

This is more than likely tied to my depression and feels of inferiority to others, but I honestly dislike personal projects which tout how awesome the makers are. The Room comes to mind, as does any big name making their own movie with them as the big cheese. Movies are not a means to show others how impressive and cool we are. A personal opinion more than anything, but it’s never about you. Films are a media and means to tell stories or just share visuals/ideas. You go into it (or at least you should) with the knowledge you are serving others and not your own ego. My way of adhering to this idea is to force myself into positions where I’m otherwise despised. This feels like a safe place to work from…

…Felt? Hard to speak on thoughts that feel very different from the mood in which I now finish this (July 12th). I still believe in praising the works and the means in which it comes about, rather than the players whom play their part. Do I need to go to lengths of making my role in it all small, so as to remind myself of being humble? I think it’s time I start giving myself some credit. It’s noted I have no care for glamour, and regardless of what position of authority or title I go for, I just won’t care. I’m there/here to do what needs to be done, to do what I want. Screw the praise and the self imposed feelings to appease others. Get the work over and done with and make good shit. Praise be to the oxymoron.

This has been another rambling blog from he who doesn’t have his head on straight. A rambling blog which took a break in writing for over a month, and thus find myself in a different head space than before. Next month will hopefully see me changing a lot more. Details soon. Ish.

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