What I find most difficult to cope with in regards to getting my life back together is how I can justify getting back in touch with other people. Because I don’t feel I can. Yes I’ve been out of sorts for what seems like forever, but when I consider the list of people I’ve spoken with since coming to Madison, and the…
*one year of silence passes*
…Wow. It’s strange the markers in life you can find when you least expect it. I came here on the whim of wanting to air out my angst over the state of our nation, and find the start of some words I felt almost exactly a year ago. I was likely depressed at that time, and still am. Still haven’t properly reconnected with the people I felt connected with. This was going to be a writing on how Kirk Cameron is the worst and how his last film makes me hate him all the more. But let’s save that angst while I try and sort out these other feelings of the past. Unfinished business and all that.
I currently live a life that doesn’t feel extremely connected to people, or at least as I would imagine it to be if I could connect the fullest with others. I work closely with clients as a caretaker, I have a partner I see with others on a weekly basis, and I try and keep up on activities with others I love and appreciate…but that’s dwindled to a minimum, usually just for the holiday gatherings (which are incoming). There was once a time I would lament the incredible loss of presence I felt I needed with people, as if it was some great sin. And deconstructing my feelings from then and now is a task and a half, but that’s not “the now,” which is the focus of this piece.
Right now I feel content. Still have moments of crippling depression that makes my manner turn resentful at times (this past week being a good example), but I feel very happy with where I am, despite how disconnected I am. I’m in a space I can handle on my levelheaded days, and can actually grow into something wonderful rather than just getting by. And being in that comfortable space has allowed me to realize how much I can actually take on, and right now? It isn’t much.
Context feels important here. There was a time I used lots of social media, sought people out for conversation and fun, and wanted to build something with another. As an emerging polyamorous inspired by the passion others had, I could feel the presence of people in my actions (or lack thereof). I didn’t feel alone, and I could go to people and they would listen, perhaps even be of help or need help.But through a series of events and processing (of which I don’t feel like dissecting and processing right now), I disengaged from all that.
And I don’t feel alone? I know I could “pick up the phone” at any time and reach out to another if I wanted to, but I feel quite content in my skin, working for my own needs, be they mandatory or plain selfish. And there is plenty I need to work on for myself, including my giving and helpful nature, which has allowed me to come into the work I am now. Well, that and the chance people have placed on me, because I still feel I don’t deserve where I am. But back on point, it’s still the same old story of being a mess, and slowly learning to cope and learn from that aspect of me.
In the meantime, plenty of people have been steering their own ships, whom I have “left behind” whilst “in my head” (but not so much this time?). I love these people, and I regret having so many missed opportunities because of poor management, or just plain laziness. It’s something I need to address in the coming weeks/months, because the nagging feeling of things unfinished keeps…well, nagging me. But where I am now, I’m much better at letting things go than I was, and if I can recognize where it’s best to build something, can finally stop clubbing myself as I’ve known myself to do.