Category Archives: 40 Days & Nights

40 Days & 40 Nights – Version 2.0

I’m jumping on the Lent wagon again. This time I’m not giving up on one thing at a time, but going cold turkey: everything is going to be dropped. Tired of seeing a shade of myself with just a single piece of me missing. Want to see myself as an entirely different person, without all the vices holding me down (aka giving modest yet short comfort). Plus it’s much easier to pick up a whole new routine than ween slowly into it, because the shock will force the change, and keep it stronger in mind. Or at least that’s the belief me and my roommate have been having for awhile. Better to act a thought than let it lie, you know?

Where I’m at is rather unsteady, but I want to actually be doing something with myself, and bring focus into where I am and going. There’s a factor of falling back into depression despite the medication I’m on (yes, that is a thing now), but let’s pretend it isn’t here for now while I explain how this will work. Prior poss had me talk about how the last Lent challenge went, then talking about what I would be taking on next. Instead, I will now just note when deviations from my Lent occurs during a period, perhaps giving a background to the how and why. To remind everyone of how much of a fool I am, here is everything I’ve given up for a time in the past… Continue reading

40 Days & 40 Nights: Pants

And thus I can pleasure myself again without any guilt, aside from the standard guilt society would place on me for not finding a mate. Not that doing so would be in my best interest, but as it goes. Needless to say I’ve failed the Lent, but it was to be expected. Habits die hard, though I thankfully wasn’t going out of my mind like I was last time. No messed up dreams, wonky sleep schedules, or other issues one would expect. Just fairly normal frustration one with no outlet would come to expect, otherwise business as usual. That’s an improvement I suppose, so I’ll have to see what should happen to me next time I should take this up. Hell, the fact I’m even considering this shows I’m getting better at this sort of thing. I think.

Now it’s time to get serious. The next Lent is one I’ve been thinking on for awhile now, and I’ve been thinking on it long enough that the thought of thinking on it anymore makes me sick, especially knowing I can’t do it during the Winter. Given how I now know I have a history of going through depression during Winter, I don’t want to deal with even more loathsome regret because of being too chicken shit to follow through on something I actually want to do. But this is indeed not only a big sacrifice, but one that will actually effect how I’m treated in public. I’ve been meaning to disturb the universe for awhile now, however, so the heck with it. It’s settled: I will be giving up pants for the next 40 days & nights. Continue reading

40 Days & 40 Nights: Masturbation #2

1048383_10152999863360183_1655590212_oMunching on cookies right now, and feeling quite content despite the fact I need to clean up a bathroom, finish laundry, catch up on video production (as ever), and remember the rest of my theatrical lines by heart for tonight’s rehearsal. Never mind the fact I’m writing this and will likely throw several other things on myself, but I digress. The last 40 was fairly lackluster in terms of changes. Keep away from certain junk food, but feel free to indulge in others. Makes sense? I don’t think so either, but I was pulling things out of my ass when I made the commitment, given I had no plans in place. It’s that way once again, but we’ll get to that in a moment.

There were two instances of cookie consumption that occurred since I’ve last written here (aside from the one right now).  One occurred during a birthday party in which I got in my awesome corset getup by voter request. The artist collective I’m part of knew I likely had it on me and voted to have it present, so I pulled up my stockings and danced. And got drunk enough to convince myself it’s okay to consume the Birthday Cake Oreo Cookies,  because there was no actual cake. You are free to judge me on this because I could have said no, but as it goes. Continue reading

40 Days & 40 Nights: Cookies, Little Debbies, etc.

So just a handful of hours ago, I was quite buzzed to celebrate the ability to not be sober. Or was I just exceptionally tired? I’m honestly not sure. It wasn’t that long ago I went to bed, thinking I would sleep till 12 PM because this was usually how my body feels when it’s going to be like that. Now here we are just a few hours later and I’m wide awake typing this up because I needed something to occupy my mind. Seriously, it needed to get occupied after I read far too much about Paula Deen’s problems. Why the hell do I seek to piss myself off with the lives of people whom I don’t even know about? I get enough reminders that this world is still backwards as it is, so typing away I shall do.

One thing I can note about my time with the brew (and already noted on my Twitter) is I keep forgetting alcohol is meant to be a social drink. I may feel like a fool when I drunkenly speak with folk (or more likely electronically message these days), but it’s honestly the point of the drink. We are social creatures of varying inhibitions, of which I have plenty. These inhibitions  are lost in the presence of a little/lot of poison to the blood, bringing out the feeling and need of connection I never really allow myself to have. Well, act on I should say, because I give plenty of, “Whoa is me!” talks as it is. This is not me admitting to wanting “stilts” while in social circumstances, but simply acknowledging why it should happen. And also to attempt a true change in behavior. Continue reading

40 Days & 40 Nights: Alcohol

Isn’t there always a fun story of how I fail to keep chocolate out of my life? This last Lent of mine was no different, even though the focus was supposed to be on caffeine. But thanks to the fact chocolate normally has caffeine within it, I had to give it up again. Or at the very least try, because wow do I ever note how easy it is to slip or forget where chocolate is present. Ever I fail my attempts to do away with chocolate, but this time is was exceptionally odd.

My first break came when I got the hankering for some more Little Debbie snacks because I’m a fat bastard, or at the very least haven’t let go of my fat bastard tendencies. By this point I was dying for a Cosmic Brownie, but I went with a box of Star Crunch because it didn’t have any chocolate, and I was quite proud I kept to my commitment of. Problem being that a Star Crunch is literally covered with chocolate, and this fact apparently escaped my common sense until I was halfway through my first one. How does this even happen? I can’t even tell you what I was thinking at the time, or what I thought that brown stuff covering the snack was other than chocolate. All I know is I thought I was making the right choice of committing to my Lent, when in reality I had apparently gone insane. Continue reading

40 Days & 40 Nights: Caffeine

What? I said I was going to start my Lent after the official Lent ended? Yeah, I say a lot of things, don’t I? Have no fear, I did start in on my Lent like I said I would. I just failed to write about it due to the constant haze of meh I felt for the world. And I started it on April 1st instead of March 31st because I decided to give myself one more bit of rebellion, given I didn’t really take advantage of my Lent from Lent. In summary, I did nothing new for myself other than continue to follow the same routine I always did, or at least that’s what it seemed like.

What can I say? I don’t really live the hedonistic life and hardly take any risks. Despite how I tire of living a planned and calculated life, going cold turkey is scary as heck and tends to smother rather than liberate me. As I found when I tried to do away with negativity, you don’t change with the flip of a switch. There is a switch in the sense that gears are now moving in another direction, but there’s a process that needs to be followed for a ship to pass through the Panama Canal if you know what I mean. One of the seven wonders of the industrial world may save you several thousand miles in travel time, but it’s not a straight 50 mile shot through the strip of land. In other words I will progress through steps, though I hope I’m willing to take the risks when they come round. Continue reading

40 Days & 40 Nights: Lent

Saying you’re going to do away with Negativity while during a depression is like saying you’re not going to get wet while swimming. It’s incredibly unlikely. Not impossible, because I’m sure there are ways to do both, but the chance of failure is just too high. And I obviously failed. This past 40 has been incredibly miserable, what with my mind racing, the exhaustion after work, never getting things accomplished before or after work, using up my weekends in loneliness trying to catch up, never getting proper sleep because of it all…it was quite a bother.

Suppose it was the world reminding me that change doesn’t happen overnight, regardless of how much you want it to. It takes work, small changes day by day, till one day you realize you’re actually a lot different than you were. Sometimes you never even notice it, and it’s those around you who see the changes. I got a bit of that this past week when I stood next to my younger brother, who is a fit fighting machine. Apparently our mother didn’t know he was taller than me, or that I could actually fit into his pants now. While I already knew all that, what I didn’t know is that I’m only a little over ten pounds heavier than him. And I always thought I had a ways to go in terms of my fat loss and muscle development. Amazing what the facts are when someone points them out to you. Continue reading