Tag Archives: Anger

Aloha Project Famous, 2012 – 2015

Let us reminisce together. I first heard of Project Famous through Meetup in 2012, a social website MilTownKid got me into, though didn’t take advantage of until that time. The Meetup was created by Joey Broyles, and it fashioned itself as a safe and friendly environment to connect and create things, and would be proactive on getting all the projects we wanted done. Given my desire to create things and in desperate need of friendly connections, I jumped in and supported it from day one. Good things came about from our works. That much I can say as I look back on things, sad as I am about what happened in the long run.

I eventually moved to Madison in the hopes of working closer with those in Project Famous. It didn’t pan out. One – suicidal depression doesn’t leave you much creative energy to work with, and I’ve only been getting a turn around since June 2015. Two – leadership and participation was poorly understood. No one was being active with each other, be it presenting ideas or helping projects. It was as if people were waiting to be told what to do, rather than take initiative with others and create something. Continue reading

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Status Update 2015.10.26

In terms of an update/check-in/etc. on the self, and if I’m good to myself and accepting of how things really are…I’ve come a long way from my wretched days. To handle my depression, I take Prozac and see a therapist weeks at a time to help guide me through my head work. I consume Soylent for a large portion of my diet, not counting cheat days. This saves me money from groceries, time from shopping and cooking, and gives me a healthy and workable diet I can actually stick to and lose weight (with the addition of exercise). The fears of using a smartphone are gone, with digital tools helping me organize thoughts and communications better than ever. Even the last barrier came down by adding Facebook to the smartphone, leaving nothing between me and another in terms of connection, save my own failings to do so.

I have learned (am still learning) to love and be loved by another, and that I have that at all is a blessing I am ever thankful for, and is likely the crown achievement of where I stand right now. Could be called cheesy as hell, but when you have honestly never allowed yourself to fall into such feelings or even understand what it fully meant, hurt and all…trust me, this is huge. But in summary, things are great. I’m in a very good place right now with so much potential. Continue reading

A Balloon of Feels Which is Being Blogged About After Months of Silence

The times I feel most like writing are when I’m coming out of a depressive haze. Now is one of those times. Well, when I started this posting in the early hours of May 29th, that is. Spent the majority of that day staring at this Chromebook’s screen. A large majority of that was spent saying, “What the hell am I doing?” to myself, feeling the dull ache I usually do when helpless over a thing.

I had a multitude of people I could have written to in that late hour. A lot of people whom I’ve neglected writing, to be honest, but I honestly just wanted to have something to myself. To say these words out to me, whatever they may be, and reflect. That’s what this blog is all about, and sometimes that’s better than to try to attempt a connection with another person (a lot of persons). I think that’s what’s been lacking in my life right now. Or then. That I’m able to follow forth with these actions is another thing, because Feels. And hey, it’s been some time since I started this, right? Continue reading

I Haven’t Made a Single Video Production in a Little Over a Year

The above is a video I uploaded to YouTube in November 2013, but have been pushing back the release date for the sole reason it gave a hint as to what my next big short was going to be. Also because I’ve been unable to edit any sort of video production since the Summer of 2014, and sharing when I cannot produce made no sense. The video went public because I failed to push back the release another month, totally expecting myself to finally get dat computer, yo. Instead tons of apathy kept me from just making a few clicks. The simplest of things are ever a mountain when in the fog. Continue reading

This Paralyzing Chill

I am cold and shaking, yet the portable heater in my room has been running at full blast since late afternoon. My head aches, which will only get worse should I actively use my mind and/or body like I’m supposed to. Thoughts swirl faster than they can be grasped, or squirm away when it’s realized something else deserves my direct attention. Sometimes this isn’t even the case, but the thought that it’s important confuses me enough to bring me back to the swirl. Unknown on who to go to for this state I’m in, and untrusting of all who have/would have seeming interest in my plight.

Just a moment I needed to get out of my head, because sharing it with no one in particular felt better than any one person at this time. And I am not better for sharing it, because I’m still here.

My Thoughts on Nymphomaniac 1/4/2015

Find myself in the middle of the night taunted by the need to say some words, and certainly more than the ones I’m going to share right now. So rather than pass out and potentially have a good sleep for myself, will release some of those words and talk about Nymphomaniac, which I finished watching some hours ago with some company. Twas an uncomfortable experience as expected, but not in the ways I originally thought it would be. Continue reading

Christmas Eve 2014 Affirmation

It’s now the evening hours of Christmas Eve, and I’m in a bit of a haze due to several hours of napping but not really napping. Barely passing out in front of your newly acquired Chromebook doesn’t constitute rest, and the hours of nothing have gotten to me. Need to get myself into action before the day is through, so I’m writing and affirming my thoughts to help those actions along. Christmas time is the time I get my own personal work done, after all.

Yeah, personal work, because I’ve spent Christmas time the same way since (I believe) 2011: by myself, and keeping to myself so as to not bother the times others have for themselves. Now that I think of it, it’s the same with every birthday, New Year’s Eve, etc. in that I never made plans. Plan entail the presence of others, and I could never convince myself to believe others would want to spend time with me during these moments. Especially on short notice, because it was and is always the case with me and the way my brain worked/works. Just don’t be a bother, because it’s not like you’re going to get much of a response anyway. Continue reading