Tag Archives: Depression

Status Update 2016.8.22

I’m continually bothered by what I think I need to be doing with time, all while consoling myself that I need to be good to me and accept what I can do, taking baby steps of improvement along the way. Nothing new there, but a thought occurs to me why I rush and eventually belittle myself as to why things are the way they are. Perhaps I lack faith in the world empathizing with my moments, and why I am where I am (even when I don’t really know, especially that). I’m getting better at recognizing these feelings, so I can at least give myself a break some of the time. It just works a lot better when I don’t open my mouth, fail to follow through and lose integrity, making me regret I ever opened up to another at all. But if I can name The Fear, it can’t control me. Or at least be able to take small steps when I feel myself caught in a moment such as this.

There’s really nothing more I have to say than this. Just felt the need to sit and let my fingers flow, because my head was racing, and if I can just get it out in some fashion, in a space where it’s safe to do so and without judgement…I can get other things out of me. And yes, the Internet isn’t really a space without judgement, but for one, The Trolls have yet to find and bait me yet, so I’m free of their annoyance for now. And two, whatever I can say and share here is something I am comfortable sharing anywhere, so even if I did have The Trolls barking at me, I’d be okay. In theory. Still more data to collect for a definitive result.

Status Update 2016.6.5

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It’s been a time since I said or shared anything about myself. While I would say it’s because nothing is happening, something is always happening. I just seem to have lost the ability to care to share what is inside my head as I used to. An odd circumstance I’ve always been meaning to change be looking through my headspace and clearly noting what is there upon this blog. Now is good a time as any. For a bit, because priorities, I guess. Continue reading

Aloha Project Famous, 2012 – 2015

Let us reminisce together. I first heard of Project Famous through Meetup in 2012, a social website MilTownKid got me into, though didn’t take advantage of until that time. The Meetup was created by Joey Broyles, and it fashioned itself as a safe and friendly environment to connect and create things, and would be proactive on getting all the projects we wanted done. Given my desire to create things and in desperate need of friendly connections, I jumped in and supported it from day one. Good things came about from our works. That much I can say as I look back on things, sad as I am about what happened in the long run.

I eventually moved to Madison in the hopes of working closer with those in Project Famous. It didn’t pan out. One – suicidal depression doesn’t leave you much creative energy to work with, and I’ve only been getting a turn around since June 2015. Two – leadership and participation was poorly understood. No one was being active with each other, be it presenting ideas or helping projects. It was as if people were waiting to be told what to do, rather than take initiative with others and create something. Continue reading

2015 In Review

The helper monkeys prepared a 2015 annual report for this blog.¬†Read the summary of how this year went. In summary, not good. But that’s okay. Been getting better at handling how poorly I handle my life. Yes, I did say that right.

Otherwise have no time to be saying much about this. Got life to live, and priorities and such. No, I’m not responsible, I’m just stating how it is and that I may or may not get Thing accomplished. So…that’s all. More writings eventually. For now, go see something from Klaus tehKurios. He needs love right now. ūüėČ

Status Update 2015.10.26

In terms of an update/check-in/etc. on the self, and if I’m good to myself and accepting of how things really are…I’ve come a long way from my wretched days. To handle my depression, I take Prozac and see a therapist weeks at a time to help guide me through my head work.¬†I consume Soylent for a large portion of my diet, not counting cheat days. This saves me money from groceries, time from shopping and cooking, and gives me a healthy and workable diet I can actually stick to and lose weight (with the addition of exercise). The fears of using a smartphone are gone, with digital tools helping me organize thoughts and communications better than ever. Even the last barrier came down by adding Facebook to the smartphone, leaving nothing between me and another in terms of connection, save my own failings to do so.

I have learned (am still learning) to love and be loved by another, and that I have that at all is a blessing I am ever thankful for, and is likely the crown achievement of where I stand right now. Could be called cheesy as hell, but when you have honestly never allowed yourself to fall into such feelings or even understand what it fully meant, hurt and all…trust me, this is huge. But in summary, things are great. I’m in a very good place right now with so much potential. Continue reading

40 Days & 40 Nights – Version 2.0

I’m jumping on the Lent wagon again. This time I’m not giving up on one thing at a time, but¬†going cold turkey: everything is going to be dropped. Tired of seeing a shade of myself with just a single piece of me missing. Want to see myself as an entirely different person, without all the vices holding me down (aka giving modest yet short comfort). Plus it’s much easier to pick up a whole new routine than ween slowly into it, because the shock will force the change, and keep it stronger in mind. Or at least that’s the belief me and my roommate have been having for awhile. Better to act a thought than let it lie, you know?

Where I’m at is rather unsteady, but I want to actually be doing something with myself, and bring focus into where I am and going. There’s a factor of falling back into depression despite the medication I’m on (yes, that is a thing now), but let’s pretend it isn’t here for now while I explain how this will work. Prior poss had me talk about how the last Lent challenge went, then talking about what I would be taking on next. Instead, I will now just note when deviations from my Lent occurs during a period, perhaps giving a background to the how and why. To remind everyone of how much of a fool I am, here is everything I’ve given up for a time in the past… Continue reading

R.I.P. Dan Marino 2008 – 2015

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This fine shirt I’m holding up with my mouth is what gave me the name Dan Marino.¬†The origin of the shirt is forgotten to me. I believe I inherited it from my older brother sometime in the 1990s when he was still a fan of the quarterback. I kept it because I’m the kind of guy who keeps shirts until they are literally falling apart. That’s why you still see me wearing the same clothes when you first met me years ago. How I roll, deal with it.

Years later on, I partook in Anonymous protests against Scientology. Their actions and thoughts were abhorrent to me and my growing atheist feels. Plus The Internet was going to be present, and that sounded like fun. During one such protest, I came wearing the Dan Marino shirt, and started being called as such. Also Soccer Mom, because I was providing a lot of good to keep others fed, hydrated, and entertained. It was fun.

What has happened since those times? Well, the big talk against Scientology has faded, or at least for me. Life got hectic, believe I fell into another pit of depression as I always do, and the Dan Marino shirt eventually became a junk shirt to wear during heavy work. As was the case for the past year, which has beat the shirt down with sweat,¬†washing, paint, and sharp edges. It’s falling apart, and I can’t even justify to use it for the work anymore. The Dan Marino shirt is going into the trash.

Right before I came to this¬†conclusion for Dan Marino, a trucker from the south noted my work shirt, and asked where I got it. Suppose he was a fan? Sadly had to inform him it came from the 90s, and was likely rare and expensive by this point. Got me thinking about the history of a shirt I never thought highly of, because…fuck football. Just a game. But the memories associated with the shirt? They were important to me.

That’s why we are here right now. To pay respect to a thing that birthed an idea.¬†Dan Marino is dead. Long live Soccer Mom. Ideas tend to live longer than actual things, right?