Tag Archives: Fear

Status Update 2016.8.22

I’m continually bothered by what I think I need to be doing with time, all while consoling myself that I need to be good to me and accept what I can do, taking baby steps of improvement along the way. Nothing new there, but a thought occurs to me why I rush and eventually belittle myself as to why things are the way they are. Perhaps I lack faith in the world empathizing with my moments, and why I am where I am (even when I don’t really know, especially that). I’m getting better at recognizing these feelings, so I can at least give myself a break some of the time. It just works a lot better when I don’t open my mouth, fail to follow through and lose integrity, making me regret I ever opened up to another at all. But if I can name The Fear, it can’t control me. Or at least be able to take small steps when I feel myself caught in a moment such as this.

There’s really nothing more I have to say than this. Just felt the need to sit and let my fingers flow, because my head was racing, and if I can just get it out in some fashion, in a space where it’s safe to do so and without judgement…I can get other things out of me. And yes, the Internet isn’t really a space without judgement, but for one, The Trolls have yet to find and bait me yet, so I’m free of their annoyance for now. And two, whatever I can say and share here is something I am comfortable sharing anywhere, so even if I did have The Trolls barking at me, I’d be okay. In theory. Still more data to collect for a definitive result.

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Aloha Project Famous, 2012 – 2015

Let us reminisce together. I first heard of Project Famous through Meetup in 2012, a social website MilTownKid got me into, though didn’t take advantage of until that time. The Meetup was created by Joey Broyles, and it fashioned itself as a safe and friendly environment to connect and create things, and would be proactive on getting all the projects we wanted done. Given my desire to create things and in desperate need of friendly connections, I jumped in and supported it from day one. Good things came about from our works. That much I can say as I look back on things, sad as I am about what happened in the long run.

I eventually moved to Madison in the hopes of working closer with those in Project Famous. It didn’t pan out. One – suicidal depression doesn’t leave you much creative energy to work with, and I’ve only been getting a turn around since June 2015. Two – leadership and participation was poorly understood. No one was being active with each other, be it presenting ideas or helping projects. It was as if people were waiting to be told what to do, rather than take initiative with others and create something. Continue reading

Status Update 2015.10.26

In terms of an update/check-in/etc. on the self, and if I’m good to myself and accepting of how things really are…I’ve come a long way from my wretched days. To handle my depression, I take Prozac and see a therapist weeks at a time to help guide me through my head work. I consume Soylent for a large portion of my diet, not counting cheat days. This saves me money from groceries, time from shopping and cooking, and gives me a healthy and workable diet I can actually stick to and lose weight (with the addition of exercise). The fears of using a smartphone are gone, with digital tools helping me organize thoughts and communications better than ever. Even the last barrier came down by adding Facebook to the smartphone, leaving nothing between me and another in terms of connection, save my own failings to do so.

I have learned (am still learning) to love and be loved by another, and that I have that at all is a blessing I am ever thankful for, and is likely the crown achievement of where I stand right now. Could be called cheesy as hell, but when you have honestly never allowed yourself to fall into such feelings or even understand what it fully meant, hurt and all…trust me, this is huge. But in summary, things are great. I’m in a very good place right now with so much potential. Continue reading

40 Days & 40 Nights – Version 2.0

I’m jumping on the Lent wagon again. This time I’m not giving up on one thing at a time, but going cold turkey: everything is going to be dropped. Tired of seeing a shade of myself with just a single piece of me missing. Want to see myself as an entirely different person, without all the vices holding me down (aka giving modest yet short comfort). Plus it’s much easier to pick up a whole new routine than ween slowly into it, because the shock will force the change, and keep it stronger in mind. Or at least that’s the belief me and my roommate have been having for awhile. Better to act a thought than let it lie, you know?

Where I’m at is rather unsteady, but I want to actually be doing something with myself, and bring focus into where I am and going. There’s a factor of falling back into depression despite the medication I’m on (yes, that is a thing now), but let’s pretend it isn’t here for now while I explain how this will work. Prior poss had me talk about how the last Lent challenge went, then talking about what I would be taking on next. Instead, I will now just note when deviations from my Lent occurs during a period, perhaps giving a background to the how and why. To remind everyone of how much of a fool I am, here is everything I’ve given up for a time in the past… Continue reading

A Balloon of Feels Which is Being Blogged About After Months of Silence

The times I feel most like writing are when I’m coming out of a depressive haze. Now is one of those times. Well, when I started this posting in the early hours of May 29th, that is. Spent the majority of that day staring at this Chromebook’s screen. A large majority of that was spent saying, “What the hell am I doing?” to myself, feeling the dull ache I usually do when helpless over a thing.

I had a multitude of people I could have written to in that late hour. A lot of people whom I’ve neglected writing, to be honest, but I honestly just wanted to have something to myself. To say these words out to me, whatever they may be, and reflect. That’s what this blog is all about, and sometimes that’s better than to try to attempt a connection with another person (a lot of persons). I think that’s what’s been lacking in my life right now. Or then. That I’m able to follow forth with these actions is another thing, because Feels. And hey, it’s been some time since I started this, right? Continue reading

I Haven’t Made a Single Video Production in a Little Over a Year

The above is a video I uploaded to YouTube in November 2013, but have been pushing back the release date for the sole reason it gave a hint as to what my next big short was going to be. Also because I’ve been unable to edit any sort of video production since the Summer of 2014, and sharing when I cannot produce made no sense. The video went public because I failed to push back the release another month, totally expecting myself to finally get dat computer, yo. Instead tons of apathy kept me from just making a few clicks. The simplest of things are ever a mountain when in the fog. Continue reading

Fur Squared 2014 – In Summary

I went to a Furry convention. There’s really no need to beat around the bush, because I honestly don’t think it’s that big of a deal. I went into the den of the great evil! The big, bad, fursuited wolves! And found it to be no different than any other fandom, though I find preference to this than those who enjoy golfing, cars, and other conventions that happen around such mundane topics. I’m no Furry or even a Brony (much as my roommate will say otherwise, dammit, just stop), but I have enough geekdom/fandom/memes/etc. within me to understand that labels are bullshit. This Furry convention I went to is no different than any other convention I would otherwise enjoy.

OH!!! There’s a bunch of sexiness with animals going on! Sorry, not biting the bait of one “perversion” for another. Anime Central has its own bouts with sexiness, my favorite being the call outs of yaoi being sold, and fanart of the shirtless dwarves from the film adaptations of The Hobbit. If you look long enough you find perversion in anything, and while Furry DOES have it, it’s just a portion of the fandom. Anthropomorphic appreciation. That’s Furry fandom in a nutshell (to me at least), and if you enjoy fucking vampires you’re a fan as well, because they are undead bestial creatures. Cartoon animals! Almost everything in Dungeons & Dragons! There’s aspects of anthro in every fandom you enjoy, so Furry haters? Get over yourselves already! Continue reading