Tag Archives: Lent

40 Days & 40 Nights – Version 2.0

I’m jumping on the Lent wagon again. This time I’m not giving up on one thing at a time, but going cold turkey: everything is going to be dropped. Tired of seeing a shade of myself with just a single piece of me missing. Want to see myself as an entirely different person, without all the vices holding me down (aka giving modest yet short comfort). Plus it’s much easier to pick up a whole new routine than ween slowly into it, because the shock will force the change, and keep it stronger in mind. Or at least that’s the belief me and my roommate have been having for awhile. Better to act a thought than let it lie, you know?

Where I’m at is rather unsteady, but I want to actually be doing something with myself, and bring focus into where I am and going. There’s a factor of falling back into depression despite the medication I’m on (yes, that is a thing now), but let’s pretend it isn’t here for now while I explain how this will work. Prior poss had me talk about how the last Lent challenge went, then talking about what I would be taking on next. Instead, I will now just note when deviations from my Lent occurs during a period, perhaps giving a background to the how and why. To remind everyone of how much of a fool I am, here is everything I’ve given up for a time in the past… Continue reading

My Akoha Backlog #5 – Goodbye Compulsive Pairing

Sometimes there are ideas for Akoha missions which have good intention, but are badly executed. One such mission was “Give It Up!” which asked participants to, “give up a bad habit at least for one day,” and…that’s just plain stupid. Not giving up legit bad habits, because that’s incredibly earth shattering stuff to change one’s self for the better (hopefully). The problem is giving up said habit(s) for a single day. Honestly, what does a single day matter in the scheme of things? Vices of this nature are hardwired into our system, and cause real problems when they are kept away. And don’t say, “This just shows how easy it is to drop a habit if that’s how one day felt.” Try dropping something completely and see how well your mind and body handles the shock of never being able to have that one thing ever again. Just try.

No, please try. It’s really for the best when on the goal of self discovery and reinventing yourself into a more ideal you, especially if that ideal is in your head and beyond the scope of whatever you can really do. But discovering that is a very important part of knowing yourself, which is something which only you can do and gives you the most joy in your life. Knowing is different than doing, however, though I did do plenty of the doing back in my 40 Days & 40 Nights faze. Through it all I found myself to be a very sexual creature, that I can never seem to be rid of chocolate and other tasty food, and I have a hard time breaking habits when they start. Continue reading

A Summary of Sorts – March 2014

It would seem it’s been almost two months since I’ve last written in this blog. I honestly didn’t want this to happen, and it’s not due to having nothing to write about. My last Lent summary from the Fall is still unwritten, and that’s almost six months ago. Half a year of being unable to write about a very eye opening experience I had, and it’s yet to leave my brain or even be sloshing around as an unformed idea. Just a marker of an idea that’s yet to be formed, along with the “101 ideas” that will be gotten to when I’m ready. If ever.

Depression doesn’t really care about your intentions. What dreams you have no matter the planning are sucked dry and leave you questioning why you even bothered to bring them about to begin with. You get used to not planning things at all just so you can do without the pain you feel when your plans fall apart. I do the same thing to cope with being socially awkward, so I end up calling myself a shit for being a depressive ass rather than a socially awkward depressive ass. It’s how I’ve managed to survive this long, but slowly dying isn’t living, so…as it goes. Continue reading

2013 In Review

And here we are with another year in summary, compliments of data from the WordPress 2013 Annual Report. Just go read the report. I would have at least liked to have given some thoughts on the data as I did in previous years, but I honestly can’t muster the effort at this point. Just wanted to get this out because it probably wouldn’t get out any other way. Too much on my mind coupled with the random impulses I get. Happy New Year…I guess?

An Update, The Massacre, and A Video

So it’s been over a month since I went over the deep end. Those who managed to attempt contact or at least note the media I created (social or otherwise) know that I am alive, and now those who read this blog (heh) know this fact too. I’m only better in the sense I can actually make things happen outside of working a job, sometimes eating well, and the favorite pastime of all depressives, sleeping. Those first couple weeks were really rotten, and I’m quite glad they are over and done with. All the same, odd thoughts continue to creep up on me (an example of which is noted below), and it’s going to be awhile before I risk giving myself up to the world again.

Despite the fact I’ve neglected updating here, things are still coming along despite me not making official notices of them. I’m still making the video production happen, though it’s tedious trying to work a worthless body when the soul wants to do so much. I’ve also moved onto my next lent, given the prior Lent was finished in the midst of last month. I’ll talk about it in its own post, though hopefully before the business finishes. No, not going to check the calender to make sure, because that’s too much stress and work for me to handle…really. Then there are the few times I go out and do social things with folk, but only if they are truly necessary under the government shutdown I’m in. I had one such event on October 12th when I went to The Massacre, a 24 film fest held at the Patio Theater. Continue reading

40 Days & 40 Nights: Pants

And thus I can pleasure myself again without any guilt, aside from the standard guilt society would place on me for not finding a mate. Not that doing so would be in my best interest, but as it goes. Needless to say I’ve failed the Lent, but it was to be expected. Habits die hard, though I thankfully wasn’t going out of my mind like I was last time. No messed up dreams, wonky sleep schedules, or other issues one would expect. Just fairly normal frustration one with no outlet would come to expect, otherwise business as usual. That’s an improvement I suppose, so I’ll have to see what should happen to me next time I should take this up. Hell, the fact I’m even considering this shows I’m getting better at this sort of thing. I think.

Now it’s time to get serious. The next Lent is one I’ve been thinking on for awhile now, and I’ve been thinking on it long enough that the thought of thinking on it anymore makes me sick, especially knowing I can’t do it during the Winter. Given how I now know I have a history of going through depression during Winter, I don’t want to deal with even more loathsome regret because of being too chicken shit to follow through on something I actually want to do. But this is indeed not only a big sacrifice, but one that will actually effect how I’m treated in public. I’ve been meaning to disturb the universe for awhile now, however, so the heck with it. It’s settled: I will be giving up pants for the next 40 days & nights. Continue reading

40 Days & 40 Nights: Masturbation #2

1048383_10152999863360183_1655590212_oMunching on cookies right now, and feeling quite content despite the fact I need to clean up a bathroom, finish laundry, catch up on video production (as ever), and remember the rest of my theatrical lines by heart for tonight’s rehearsal. Never mind the fact I’m writing this and will likely throw several other things on myself, but I digress. The last 40 was fairly lackluster in terms of changes. Keep away from certain junk food, but feel free to indulge in others. Makes sense? I don’t think so either, but I was pulling things out of my ass when I made the commitment, given I had no plans in place. It’s that way once again, but we’ll get to that in a moment.

There were two instances of cookie consumption that occurred since I’ve last written here (aside from the one right now).  One occurred during a birthday party in which I got in my awesome corset getup by voter request. The artist collective I’m part of knew I likely had it on me and voted to have it present, so I pulled up my stockings and danced. And got drunk enough to convince myself it’s okay to consume the Birthday Cake Oreo Cookies,  because there was no actual cake. You are free to judge me on this because I could have said no, but as it goes. Continue reading

40 Days & 40 Nights: Cookies, Little Debbies, etc.

So just a handful of hours ago, I was quite buzzed to celebrate the ability to not be sober. Or was I just exceptionally tired? I’m honestly not sure. It wasn’t that long ago I went to bed, thinking I would sleep till 12 PM because this was usually how my body feels when it’s going to be like that. Now here we are just a few hours later and I’m wide awake typing this up because I needed something to occupy my mind. Seriously, it needed to get occupied after I read far too much about Paula Deen’s problems. Why the hell do I seek to piss myself off with the lives of people whom I don’t even know about? I get enough reminders that this world is still backwards as it is, so typing away I shall do.

One thing I can note about my time with the brew (and already noted on my Twitter) is I keep forgetting alcohol is meant to be a social drink. I may feel like a fool when I drunkenly speak with folk (or more likely electronically message these days), but it’s honestly the point of the drink. We are social creatures of varying inhibitions, of which I have plenty. These inhibitions  are lost in the presence of a little/lot of poison to the blood, bringing out the feeling and need of connection I never really allow myself to have. Well, act on I should say, because I give plenty of, “Whoa is me!” talks as it is. This is not me admitting to wanting “stilts” while in social circumstances, but simply acknowledging why it should happen. And also to attempt a true change in behavior. Continue reading

Pwning Life: All About Thirst

I’m certain it’s fairly normal for men to experience The Thirst now and then, but my own experiences have been fairly subdued. I didn’t even know there was this specific slang for it until Chris Sanders asked to get video responses about their own experiences with The Thirst to his own video. Hence why the above video exists to begin with, for better or worse. Oh who am I kidding, it’s for the better…or at least that’s what I’d like to be thinking. Sharing with the world brings about change and awesome in the world, because it means I’ve admitted something about myself rather than let it exist wholly in my mind. Now things can go about changing. Continue reading

40 Days & 40 Nights: Caffeine

What? I said I was going to start my Lent after the official Lent ended? Yeah, I say a lot of things, don’t I? Have no fear, I did start in on my Lent like I said I would. I just failed to write about it due to the constant haze of meh I felt for the world. And I started it on April 1st instead of March 31st because I decided to give myself one more bit of rebellion, given I didn’t really take advantage of my Lent from Lent. In summary, I did nothing new for myself other than continue to follow the same routine I always did, or at least that’s what it seemed like.

What can I say? I don’t really live the hedonistic life and hardly take any risks. Despite how I tire of living a planned and calculated life, going cold turkey is scary as heck and tends to smother rather than liberate me. As I found when I tried to do away with negativity, you don’t change with the flip of a switch. There is a switch in the sense that gears are now moving in another direction, but there’s a process that needs to be followed for a ship to pass through the Panama Canal if you know what I mean. One of the seven wonders of the industrial world may save you several thousand miles in travel time, but it’s not a straight 50 mile shot through the strip of land. In other words I will progress through steps, though I hope I’m willing to take the risks when they come round. Continue reading