Pwning Life: The Realization of Worth Through Loss

I think I’ve done enough work to make it publicly known I’m suicidal, and if the fact hasn’t been hammered home yet, let this be the last nail on the coffin (ha ha?). I’m a lot better than I have been since November, but I have still been unable to find professional help. A combination of a lot of things factored into this (poor focus, more melancholy, funds, obligations, etc.), but the result is the same: I’m a depressive suicidal who has trouble communicating with others on a very basic level, which makes getting myself out of the funk I’m in all the harder. It’s a mess that makes me wonder why I even bother, given it’s likely going to be more trouble than it’s worth in regards to everyone involved.

It’s understood this is depressing news, but I have to be honest with what I feel because if I don’t let it out in some fashion I would otherwise burst in the worst way possible. Consider it the “cry for help” if you will. Writing, talking and being meta about my process has helped me cope…but only a bit. The hard wiring within me is still there, and no matter how much I deal with the symptoms the mess will continue lest I change it. It’s a shame that plenty is telling me I should just shrug my shoulders and cut my losses.

To Be Thankful

This writing started near the end of Thanksgiving, which I spent alone in my apartment because I was going to have my family gathering on the upcoming Saturday. It has only been finished now because it’s a hell of a long piece and an emotionally invested one at that. Emotions are hard to translate into language and quantify in general, and the pauses between understanding what needs to be said about them and the crippling sensations they give tend to add up. But finished it I have, and it’s likely the only thing of worth that came from me this whole holiday season. *shiver*

Despite the obvious, this piece of writing isn’t Thanksgiving, Christmas, or even New Year related, though it could be said to have arisen as an idea when another talked about being thankful. I never undertook the idea because it was too large and over the top, and certainly not my style (never be a bother, hide in room, only communicate if it’s absolutely necessary, etc.). However, due to my life crumbling into depths I dreaded it could go, changing how I think, act and cope needs to become centric for survival. So why the hell not take on the one idea which could properly let the world know what I’m thankful for? I may not get another chance.