I Am Not a Serial Killer (2016 Film) – In Summary

This is annoying. In the middle of the night, after months of not being able to write anything except communications to others…I break the silence to talk about a movie I just finished. I could lament how I could make such better use of my time than spend it idly watching visual media unfold, but then I would be damning my attempts to write out my thoughts, and I’ll be honest, this is a refreshing feeling. I’ve been meaning to write and a hell of a lot of others things for a time now, and that I’m actually doing without any planning whatsoever? So no, won’t damn it, but I’ll certainly be annoyed with how it came about.

The film was I Am Not a Serial Killer (obviously). I had no idea what the heck I was getting into, save that it appeared to be subject matter I’m usually drawn to, and I wasn’t doing much else with myself this Monday night…now early Tuesday morning. So I was once again taken aback by a film that exceeded my non-expectations, and likely even real expectations if I knew a damn thing about it. The film hits all the current marks of a good film for me: proper pace and editing, clever cinematography, moments of silence and reflection, and a story that progressed naturally with us finding things as we go, rather than getting the information shoved at you. The production did a damn good job, and that’s really all I need to say to give it applause…

Status Update 2016.8.22

I’m continually bothered by what I think I need to be doing with time, all while consoling myself that I need to be good to me and accept what I can do, taking baby steps of improvement along the way. Nothing new there, but a thought occurs to me why I rush and eventually belittle myself as to why things are the way they are. Perhaps I lack faith in the world empathizing with my moments, and why I am where I am (even when I don’t really know, especially that). I’m getting better at recognizing these feelings, so I can at least give myself a break some of the time. It just works a lot better when I don’t open my mouth, fail to follow through and lose integrity, making me regret I ever opened up to another at all. But if I can name The Fear, it can’t control me. Or at least be able to take small steps when I feel myself caught in a moment such as this.

There’s really nothing more I have to say than this. Just felt the need to sit and let my fingers flow, because my head was racing, and if I can just get it out in some fashion, in a space where it’s safe to do so and without judgement…I can get other things out of me. And yes, the Internet isn’t really a space without judgement, but for one, The Trolls have yet to find and bait me yet, so I’m free of their annoyance for now. And two, whatever I can say and share here is something I am comfortable sharing anywhere, so even if I did have The Trolls barking at me, I’d be okay. In theory. Still more data to collect for a definitive result.

Aloha Project Famous, 2012 – 2015

Let us reminisce together. I first heard of Project Famous through Meetup in 2012, a social website MilTownKid got me into, though didn’t take advantage of until that time. The Meetup was created by Joey Broyles, and it fashioned itself as a safe and friendly environment to connect and create things, and would be proactive on getting all the projects we wanted done. Given my desire to create things and in desperate need of friendly connections, I jumped in and supported it from day one. Good things came about from our works. That much I can say as I look back on things, sad as I am about what happened in the long run.

I eventually moved to Madison in the hopes of working closer with those in Project Famous. It didn’t pan out. One – suicidal depression doesn’t leave you much creative energy to work with, and I’ve only been getting a turn around since June 2015. Two – leadership and participation was poorly understood. No one was being active with each other, be it presenting ideas or helping projects. It was as if people were waiting to be told what to do, rather than take initiative with others and create something.

2015 In Review

The helper monkeys prepared a 2015 annual report for this blog. Read the summary of how this year went. In summary, not good. But that’s okay. Been getting better at handling how poorly I handle my life. Yes, I did say that right.

Otherwise have no time to be saying much about this. Got life to live, and priorities and such. No, I’m not responsible, I’m just stating how it is and that I may or may not get Thing accomplished. So…that’s all. More writings eventually. For now, go see something from Klaus tehKurios. He needs love right now. 😉

A Balloon of Feels Which is Being Blogged About After Months of Silence

The times I feel most like writing are when I’m coming out of a depressive haze. Now is one of those times. Well, when I started this posting in the early hours of May 29th, that is. Spent the majority of that day staring at this Chromebook’s screen. A large majority of that was spent saying, “What the hell am I doing?” to myself, feeling the dull ache I usually do when helpless over a thing.

I had a multitude of people I could have written to in that late hour. A lot of people whom I’ve neglected writing, to be honest, but I honestly just wanted to have something to myself. To say these words out to me, whatever they may be, and reflect. That’s what this blog is all about, and sometimes that’s better than to try to attempt a connection with another person (a lot of persons). I think that’s what’s been lacking in my life right now. Or then. That I’m able to follow forth with these actions is another thing, because Feels. And hey, it’s been some time since I started this, right?

I Haven’t Made a Single Video Production in a Little Over a Year

The above is a video I uploaded to YouTube in November 2013, but have been pushing back the release date for the sole reason it gave a hint as to what my next big short was going to be. Also because I’ve been unable to edit any sort of video production since the Summer of 2014, and sharing when I cannot produce made no sense. The video went public because I failed to push back the release another month, totally expecting myself to finally get dat computer, yo. Instead tons of apathy kept me from just making a few clicks. The simplest of things are ever a mountain when in the fog.

My Thoughts on Nymphomaniac 1/4/2015

Find myself in the middle of the night taunted by the need to say some words, and certainly more than the ones I’m going to share right now. So rather than pass out and potentially have a good sleep for myself, will release some of those words and talk about Nymphomaniac, which I finished watching some hours ago with some company. Twas an uncomfortable experience as expected, but not in the ways I originally thought it would be.

Pwning Life: POSITIVE JACOB!

I am not positive and have not been a positive person for some years now. That I’ve had a better attitude these last several months means nothing because the urge to stab sharp shards in my neck still happens. In other words, don’t let the title of this blog fool you. Rather, speaks of an ideally positive Jacob without the annoyance of reality holding him down. More on that in a moment, because let’s talk backstory.

My roommate has attempted to become a mental assist life some months before I had my actual turnaround, to give an ear and guidance under the rule I give some of my own in turn. Uncertain how much use I’ve actually been to him, but the work has actually been great for me. We’ve fallen behind a tad on the things we started up in those beginning weeks, but those starting weeks were damn good.

One Year Anniversary of This Horrible Despicable Depressing Life

I’m a tad drunk right now, so this is of course the best time to talk about the depression that has consumed my life for almost the past year. A little over one year ago, I dropped everything in my life with other people: projects, communications, plans, etc. so I could focus on me and the things I needed to do for myself. What I found was I couldn’t even do that, and spiraled into a deeper depression because I was unwilling to establish connections with those I felt wanted nothing to do with me. Self harm was the only logical solution to me in an illogical sense, because lashing out at the world would have meant the end of me anyway, and I would have much rather hurt myself than those I thought mattered. That they matter at all is another thing entirely, because the point is in my head they mattered a hell of a lot, which is lovely and horrible all at once.

So…what has changed? If I was exceptionally critical of my standing, I would say not much. I’m still the vile shit fellow who no one wants anything to do with, that makes everyone uncomfortable to the point of ignoring the poor pitiful fellow, and can’t tell which way is correct even when a map is laid out for it. But the critic in me has gotten a tad tired of things, and I would much rather be ignorant of the bad stuff in my life and focus upon that which invokes the grandiose within me. If that isn’t progress, I don’t know what is.

Things Are Happening Places: Christmas with the Crawfords – Auditions

StageQ is in the midst of prepping for the Christmas spirit, and auditions for Christmas with the Crawfords is right around the corner. Well, specifically September 8th & 9th with callbacks on the 10th. I sadly know next to nothing of this (there’s a trend here), but the idea of watching a story set in Hollywood’s “Golden Era” with actors in drag just makes me smile. Interested persons should prepare and bring music to sing, because CwtC is a musical as well, and dang does that make me happy. The show will run December 5th – 20th, so be prepared for a viewing. Christmas takes a lot out of us, after all, and it goes down easier with a bit of comedy.