Status Update 2016.6.24

A little tipsy right now, and JUST managed to persuade myself from biking to Walmart before they close at 11 PM. Just so I could buy a scale to accurately measure the weight of a future package so as to sell it properly on eBay. And this is a thought that started in my head before I started drinking, mind you. Why I started drinking on this seemingly free day when I can work upon The Things I always talk about…I have no idea. But that’s how it turned out, and I’m making the most of it.

Status Update 2016.6.5

It’s been a time since I said or shared anything about myself. While I would say it’s because nothing is happening, something is always happening. I just seem to have lost the ability to care to share what is inside my head as I used to. An odd circumstance I’ve always been meaning to change be looking through my headspace and clearly noting what is there upon this blog. Now is good a time as any. For a bit, because priorities, I guess.

Aloha Project Famous, 2012 – 2015

Let us reminisce together. I first heard of Project Famous through Meetup in 2012, a social website MilTownKid got me into, though didn’t take advantage of until that time. The Meetup was created by Joey Broyles, and it fashioned itself as a safe and friendly environment to connect and create things, and would be proactive on getting all the projects we wanted done. Given my desire to create things and in desperate need of friendly connections, I jumped in and supported it from day one. Good things came about from our works. That much I can say as I look back on things, sad as I am about what happened in the long run.

I eventually moved to Madison in the hopes of working closer with those in Project Famous. It didn’t pan out. One – suicidal depression doesn’t leave you much creative energy to work with, and I’ve only been getting a turn around since June 2015. Two – leadership and participation was poorly understood. No one was being active with each other, be it presenting ideas or helping projects. It was as if people were waiting to be told what to do, rather than take initiative with others and create something.

Status Update 2015.10.26

In terms of an update/check-in/etc. on the self, and if I’m good to myself and accepting of how things really are…I’ve come a long way from my wretched days. To handle my depression, I take Prozac and see a therapist weeks at a time to help guide me through my head work. I consume Soylent for a large portion of my diet, not counting cheat days. This saves me money from groceries, time from shopping and cooking, and gives me a healthy and workable diet I can actually stick to and lose weight (with the addition of exercise). The fears of using a smartphone are gone, with digital tools helping me organize thoughts and communications better than ever. Even the last barrier came down by adding Facebook to the smartphone, leaving nothing between me and another in terms of connection, save my own failings to do so.

I have learned (am still learning) to love and be loved by another, and that I have that at all is a blessing I am ever thankful for, and is likely the crown achievement of where I stand right now. Could be called cheesy as hell, but when you have honestly never allowed yourself to fall into such feelings or even understand what it fully meant, hurt and all…trust me, this is huge. But in summary, things are great. I’m in a very good place right now with so much potential.

40 Days & 40 Nights – Version 2.0

I’m jumping on the Lent wagon again. This time I’m not giving up on one thing at a time, but going cold turkey: everything is going to be dropped. Tired of seeing a shade of myself with just a single piece of me missing. Want to see myself as an entirely different person, without all the vices holding me down (aka giving modest yet short comfort). Plus it’s much easier to pick up a whole new routine than ween slowly into it, because the shock will force the change, and keep it stronger in mind. Or at least that’s the belief me and my roommate have been having for awhile. Better to act a thought than let it lie, you know?

Where I’m at is rather unsteady, but I want to actually be doing something with myself, and bring focus into where I am and going. There’s a factor of falling back into depression despite the medication I’m on (yes, that is a thing now), but let’s pretend it isn’t here for now while I explain how this will work. Prior poss had me talk about how the last Lent challenge went, then talking about what I would be taking on next. Instead, I will now just note when deviations from my Lent occurs during a period, perhaps giving a background to the how and why. To remind everyone of how much of a fool I am, here is everything I’ve given up for a time in the past…

R.I.P. Dan Marino 2008 – 2015

This fine shirt I’m holding up with my mouth is what gave me the name Dan Marino. The origin of the shirt is forgotten to me. I believe I inherited it from my older brother sometime in the 1990s when he was still a fan of the quarterback. I kept it because I’m the kind of guy who keeps shirts until they are literally falling apart. That’s why you still see me wearing the same clothes when you first met me years ago. How I roll, deal with it.

Years later on, I partook in Anonymous protests against Scientology. Their actions and thoughts were abhorrent to me and my growing atheist feels. Plus The Internet was going to be present, and that sounded like fun. During one such protest, I came wearing the Dan Marino shirt, and started being called as such. Also Soccer Mom, because I was providing a lot of good to keep others fed, hydrated, and entertained. It was fun.

What has happened since those times? Well, the big talk against Scientology has faded, or at least for me. Life got hectic, believe I fell into another pit of depression as I always do, and the Dan Marino shirt eventually became a junk shirt to wear during heavy work. As was the case for the past year, which has beat the shirt down with sweat, washing, paint, and sharp edges. It’s falling apart, and I can’t even justify to use it for the work anymore. The Dan Marino shirt is going into the trash.

Right before I came to this conclusion for Dan Marino, a trucker from the south noted my work shirt, and asked where I got it. Suppose he was a fan? Sadly had to inform him it came from the 90s, and was likely rare and expensive by this point. Got me thinking about the history of a shirt I never thought highly of, because…fuck football. Just a game. But the memories associated with the shirt? They were important to me.

That’s why we are here right now. To pay respect to a thing that birthed an idea. Dan Marino is dead. Long live Soccer Mom. Ideas tend to live longer than actual things, right?

I Haven’t Made a Single Video Production in a Little Over a Year

The above is a video I uploaded to YouTube in November 2013, but have been pushing back the release date for the sole reason it gave a hint as to what my next big short was going to be. Also because I’ve been unable to edit any sort of video production since the Summer of 2014, and sharing when I cannot produce made no sense. The video went public because I failed to push back the release another month, totally expecting myself to finally get dat computer, yo. Instead tons of apathy kept me from just making a few clicks. The simplest of things are ever a mountain when in the fog.

Fur Squared 2014 – In Summary

I went to a Furry convention. There’s really no need to beat around the bush, because I honestly don’t think it’s that big of a deal. I went into the den of the great evil! The big, bad, fursuited wolves! And found it to be no different than any other fandom, though I find preference to this than those who enjoy golfing, cars, and other conventions that happen around such mundane topics. I’m no Furry or even a Brony (much as my roommate will say otherwise, dammit, just stop), but I have enough geekdom/fandom/memes/etc. within me to understand that labels are bullshit. This Furry convention I went to is no different than any other convention I would otherwise enjoy.

OH!!! There’s a bunch of sexiness with animals going on! Sorry, not biting the bait of one “perversion” for another. Anime Central has its own bouts with sexiness, my favorite being the call outs of yaoi being sold, and fanart of the shirtless dwarves from the film adaptations of The Hobbit. If you look long enough you find perversion in anything, and while Furry DOES have it, it’s just a portion of the fandom. Anthropomorphic appreciation. That’s Furry fandom in a nutshell (to me at least), and if you enjoy fucking vampires you’re a fan as well, because they are undead bestial creatures. Cartoon animals! Almost everything in Dungeons & Dragons! There’s aspects of anthro in every fandom you enjoy, so Furry haters? Get over yourselves already!

Christmas Eve 2014 Affirmation

It’s now the evening hours of Christmas Eve, and I’m in a bit of a haze due to several hours of napping but not really napping. Barely passing out in front of your newly acquired Chromebook doesn’t constitute rest, and the hours of nothing have gotten to me. Need to get myself into action before the day is through, so I’m writing and affirming my thoughts to help those actions along. Christmas time is the time I get my own personal work done, after all.

Yeah, personal work, because I’ve spent Christmas time the same way since (I believe) 2011: by myself, and keeping to myself so as to not bother the times others have for themselves. Now that I think of it, it’s the same with every birthday, New Year’s Eve, etc. in that I never made plans. Plan entail the presence of others, and I could never convince myself to believe others would want to spend time with me during these moments. Especially on short notice, because it was and is always the case with me and the way my brain worked/works. Just don’t be a bother, because it’s not like you’re going to get much of a response anyway.

One Year Anniversary of This Horrible Despicable Depressing Life

I’m a tad drunk right now, so this is of course the best time to talk about the depression that has consumed my life for almost the past year. A little over one year ago, I dropped everything in my life with other people: projects, communications, plans, etc. so I could focus on me and the things I needed to do for myself. What I found was I couldn’t even do that, and spiraled into a deeper depression because I was unwilling to establish connections with those I felt wanted nothing to do with me. Self harm was the only logical solution to me in an illogical sense, because lashing out at the world would have meant the end of me anyway, and I would have much rather hurt myself than those I thought mattered. That they matter at all is another thing entirely, because the point is in my head they mattered a hell of a lot, which is lovely and horrible all at once.

So…what has changed? If I was exceptionally critical of my standing, I would say not much. I’m still the vile shit fellow who no one wants anything to do with, that makes everyone uncomfortable to the point of ignoring the poor pitiful fellow, and can’t tell which way is correct even when a map is laid out for it. But the critic in me has gotten a tad tired of things, and I would much rather be ignorant of the bad stuff in my life and focus upon that which invokes the grandiose within me. If that isn’t progress, I don’t know what is.