I Am Not a Serial Killer (2016 Film) – In Summary

This is annoying. In the middle of the night, after months of not being able to write anything except communications to others…I break the silence to talk about a movie I just finished. I could lament how I could make such better use of my time than spend it idly watching visual media unfold, but then I would be damning my attempts to write out my thoughts, and I’ll be honest, this is a refreshing feeling. I’ve been meaning to write and a hell of a lot of others things for a time now, and that I’m actually doing without any planning whatsoever? So no, won’t damn it, but I’ll certainly be annoyed with how it came about.

The film was I Am Not a Serial Killer (obviously). I had no idea what the heck I was getting into, save that it appeared to be subject matter I’m usually drawn to, and I wasn’t doing much else with myself this Monday night…now early Tuesday morning. So I was once again taken aback by a film that exceeded my non-expectations, and likely even real expectations if I knew a damn thing about it. The film hits all the current marks of a good film for me: proper pace and editing, clever cinematography, moments of silence and reflection, and a story that progressed naturally with us finding things as we go, rather than getting the information shoved at you. The production did a damn good job, and that’s really all I need to say to give it applause…

Status Update 2016.6.5

It’s been a time since I said or shared anything about myself. While I would say it’s because nothing is happening, something is always happening. I just seem to have lost the ability to care to share what is inside my head as I used to. An odd circumstance I’ve always been meaning to change be looking through my headspace and clearly noting what is there upon this blog. Now is good a time as any. For a bit, because priorities, I guess.

Aloha Project Famous, 2012 – 2015

Let us reminisce together. I first heard of Project Famous through Meetup in 2012, a social website MilTownKid got me into, though didn’t take advantage of until that time. The Meetup was created by Joey Broyles, and it fashioned itself as a safe and friendly environment to connect and create things, and would be proactive on getting all the projects we wanted done. Given my desire to create things and in desperate need of friendly connections, I jumped in and supported it from day one. Good things came about from our works. That much I can say as I look back on things, sad as I am about what happened in the long run.

I eventually moved to Madison in the hopes of working closer with those in Project Famous. It didn’t pan out. One – suicidal depression doesn’t leave you much creative energy to work with, and I’ve only been getting a turn around since June 2015. Two – leadership and participation was poorly understood. No one was being active with each other, be it presenting ideas or helping projects. It was as if people were waiting to be told what to do, rather than take initiative with others and create something.

40 Days & 40 Nights – Version 2.0

I’m jumping on the Lent wagon again. This time I’m not giving up on one thing at a time, but going cold turkey: everything is going to be dropped. Tired of seeing a shade of myself with just a single piece of me missing. Want to see myself as an entirely different person, without all the vices holding me down (aka giving modest yet short comfort). Plus it’s much easier to pick up a whole new routine than ween slowly into it, because the shock will force the change, and keep it stronger in mind. Or at least that’s the belief me and my roommate have been having for awhile. Better to act a thought than let it lie, you know?

Where I’m at is rather unsteady, but I want to actually be doing something with myself, and bring focus into where I am and going. There’s a factor of falling back into depression despite the medication I’m on (yes, that is a thing now), but let’s pretend it isn’t here for now while I explain how this will work. Prior poss had me talk about how the last Lent challenge went, then talking about what I would be taking on next. Instead, I will now just note when deviations from my Lent occurs during a period, perhaps giving a background to the how and why. To remind everyone of how much of a fool I am, here is everything I’ve given up for a time in the past…

A Balloon of Feels Which is Being Blogged About After Months of Silence

The times I feel most like writing are when I’m coming out of a depressive haze. Now is one of those times. Well, when I started this posting in the early hours of May 29th, that is. Spent the majority of that day staring at this Chromebook’s screen. A large majority of that was spent saying, “What the hell am I doing?” to myself, feeling the dull ache I usually do when helpless over a thing.

I had a multitude of people I could have written to in that late hour. A lot of people whom I’ve neglected writing, to be honest, but I honestly just wanted to have something to myself. To say these words out to me, whatever they may be, and reflect. That’s what this blog is all about, and sometimes that’s better than to try to attempt a connection with another person (a lot of persons). I think that’s what’s been lacking in my life right now. Or then. That I’m able to follow forth with these actions is another thing, because Feels. And hey, it’s been some time since I started this, right?

I Haven’t Made a Single Video Production in a Little Over a Year

The above is a video I uploaded to YouTube in November 2013, but have been pushing back the release date for the sole reason it gave a hint as to what my next big short was going to be. Also because I’ve been unable to edit any sort of video production since the Summer of 2014, and sharing when I cannot produce made no sense. The video went public because I failed to push back the release another month, totally expecting myself to finally get dat computer, yo. Instead tons of apathy kept me from just making a few clicks. The simplest of things are ever a mountain when in the fog.

To Manufacture Hope

The world continues to show it will always have more trouble to throw at me. About two weeks ago, my computer issues accumulated into a hardware and/or software issue I don’t understand in the slightest. The next course of action is to take it to a computer shop or computer savvy friend to decipher the issue for me, put in the necessary repairs, replacements, upgrades, etc. so I can continue the media creation I was getting into the habit of using. Problem being, that isn’t an option for me at this time. Even getting a quote on what the computer will cost me is out of the question, because funds have become so tight I can’t allow anything but the essentials anymore.

As such, I am only ever able to make use of the Internet when someone is willing to lend their own computer to me. My roommate has thus far been very forgiving of my situation, though I loathe becoming attached to using his laptop, because it’s just allowing me to continue being attached to a lifestyle I no longer have the means to keep up with anymore. To create for anymore. There are no more video production, photoshop experiments, music/podcast appreciation, or social media communications (to the scale I was doing at least). Now there is only the dire need of continual work for the next several months as I seek to cover rent, car insurance, computer repair/replacement, wedding expenses (I’m the Best Man again), and bicycle issues because I don’t know how a certain situation will play out yet.

Cryptic ACen 2014 Meanings

We once more bring you another annual blog post to explain the summarized tweet I always put out after coming back from Anime Central. It’s been another great convention of cosplay, fandom, anime, geekdom, madness, emotion, exhaustion, walking, laughing, and…*sigh*…I may as well just admit it. This was the worst ACen I’ve ever had. Not on the part of ACen or those I spent it with, because they have always been awesome to me. The reason for it sucking should actually be very apparent for those who understand what I’ve been going through, and should come as no surprise.

Depression – Of the many rules one must follow when going to any sort of convention, not going alone is paramount. Having strong connections with people to properly decompress with and bounce things off of just makes a con that much better, if not the very reason you go to begin with. As many know I’ve kept myself alone for the longest time, and this has resulted in me not speaking anyone right up to the point ACen started. The vast majority of my free time at ACen was spent sitting by myself and watching others appreciate each other’s company, and I did everything I could to keep myself from crying because I wanted and needed their company as well, but had no idea how I should go about it or even bother trusting in others for that matter.

My Akoha Backlog #1 – Honesty, Decency, Integrity

I am in the midst of another downward spiral, and find myself wanting to retreat from people as I did in the Fall of last year. And while I am aware of this and that it’s a bad for me in the long run, it’s hard to find reason to care. When every affirmation you give yourself is accompanied with ridiculous amounts of doubt, you’re better off just simmering in the misery you already have without being reminded of the crap you view your life to be. As such, I’m not really pressuring myself to do much of anything these days. Anything I can do (and need to do) is far too tainted with vile emotion for me to feel safe with it, making it so I never follow through at all. In other words, yet another pathetic perpetual state of sadness.

So I do need to make sure I’m doing something, but finding a task is a task unto itself. House chores help, because aside from the fact they need to be done, the sense of accomplishment is a tiny boost to keep going on things. They are things that I can see, and clearing them up clears up my mind. I try and make it a habit to be Spring cleaning 24/7, though habits are hard to keep when you don’t feel much of anything. Having a living space that is in a constant state of flux must be quite surprising to others, but given that no one sees it to begin with…*shrug*

Adventures in Fever Dreams

The events I’m speaking of happened on April Fools’ Day, but it is not a joke. Not in the slightest. That I could tear away the curtain and show you the devices which have assisted in my facade, but I can’t do that. Instead I have try and convince you what a painful and silly April Fools I had. Yes, those two adjectives can simultaneously apply to situations, and especially this one.

Twas a Tuesday, and I slept a little later because the boss said he wouldn’t need me at work, due to there literally being no work for me to do. I was okay with this for the most part, even if it meant I wasn’t going to get a lot of pay for the week. Heck, I wasn’t getting a lot of pay the weeks prior to this, but I felt alright with this circumstance all the same. It was going to be an awesome day filled with chores, writing, video production, and maybe even a job search. Just the usual stuff I have in my head before depression or whatever blocks me from having any control of my life.