Pwning Life: POSITIVE JACOB!

I am not positive and have not been a positive person for some years now. That I’ve had a better attitude these last several months means nothing because the urge to stab sharp shards in my neck still happens. In other words, don’t let the title of this blog fool you. Rather, speaks of an ideally positive Jacob without the annoyance of reality holding him down. More on that in a moment, because let’s talk backstory.

My roommate has attempted to become a mental assist life some months before I had my actual turnaround, to give an ear and guidance under the rule I give some of my own in turn. Uncertain how much use I’ve actually been to him, but the work has actually been great for me. We’ve fallen behind a tad on the things we started up in those beginning weeks, but those starting weeks were damn good.

One Year Anniversary of This Horrible Despicable Depressing Life

I’m a tad drunk right now, so this is of course the best time to talk about the depression that has consumed my life for almost the past year. A little over one year ago, I dropped everything in my life with other people: projects, communications, plans, etc. so I could focus on me and the things I needed to do for myself. What I found was I couldn’t even do that, and spiraled into a deeper depression because I was unwilling to establish connections with those I felt wanted nothing to do with me. Self harm was the only logical solution to me in an illogical sense, because lashing out at the world would have meant the end of me anyway, and I would have much rather hurt myself than those I thought mattered. That they matter at all is another thing entirely, because the point is in my head they mattered a hell of a lot, which is lovely and horrible all at once.

So…what has changed? If I was exceptionally critical of my standing, I would say not much. I’m still the vile shit fellow who no one wants anything to do with, that makes everyone uncomfortable to the point of ignoring the poor pitiful fellow, and can’t tell which way is correct even when a map is laid out for it. But the critic in me has gotten a tad tired of things, and I would much rather be ignorant of the bad stuff in my life and focus upon that which invokes the grandiose within me. If that isn’t progress, I don’t know what is.

Conversations with a Therapist #10 – That’s a Tasty Burger

I’m a suicidal depressive, life sucks, blah blah blah, what else is new? Oh I don’t know, how about actually attempting to do something about it? That’s the one thing that’s been missing for the longest time since Fall 2013: actually doing something about my circumstance so I’m not permanently disturbed by my insanity. I hit a roadblock in the form of Journey Mental Health, the place people recommended the most to me, when I was told to pretty much fuck off because I had no insurance. After I told them I was a suicidal depressive as well. Got plenty depressed and suicidal after that point, and really haven’t bothered to do much else since.

Why? Because my will was weak, that’s why. All roads look like rubbish after a long enough time, and my earnest effort to seek mental health was smothered by one setback: money. And yes, oh so many other options for me if I just happened to look and see…but again, all roads are rubbish, so why even bother? This mentality has pretty much been my life up until a month ago, when a friend of mine did something incredibly stupid: he made a strong effort to have me start talking to him about my issues.

Conversations with a Therapist #9 – A Life Tainted With Fantasy

The final subject I wrote on to speak with my therapist was “Books/Movies molding with reality,” and I felt a huge urge to not say a thing on it. This is because I feel I’ve pretty much talked about it, and I’ve since decided to stop being redundant. We could have ended this series with the last post, and I would have to find other fodder to speak about.  Instead, I’ve decided against it and thought I would come in from another possible angle.

In regards to what was on my mind at that time, I think it dealt with the attempts of media taking advertising methods (or full out games) which tried to blur the line between fiction and reality. Most of these attempts were simple money making schemes, though when I was that age, I probably didn’t know better. And I believe that’s pretty much it. Moving on.

Conversations with a Therapist #8 – To Hell With Politics

“What are Politics?” is what I asked my therapist. And for the life of me I don’t know what he told me. Something along the lines of, “the jibber jabber of what goes on between politicians?” Pretty good summary if you ask me, though I’m sure there was more to it than that. Politics? More like pile of dicks, right?

Okay, enough joking around, because politics is serious business. It’s the word we use whenever we speak on the workings of government, and that deserves our full attention. It’s important to know what’s going down, yes, but it’s more important to make sure the politicians are kept in line. Me? I’m more of the mind with V (and apparently Thomas Jefferson) that the government should fear their people. Because as far as I can see, the government works under one rule: The rich will always get richer.

Conversations with a Therapist #7 – If There’s a Shooter, Blame the Anime?

So I spoke a bit with my therapist on “Cartoon Violence”, of which I think I was getting a lot of at that age. Cartoons had a huge appeal to me, that is for sure, with their vibrant colors and wide ranging stories dealing with real life scenarios vs. the outlandishly loud magic bang kind (seriously, it’s a flying spell, so just stop yelling). My horizons got a little broadened via the help of a family friend/brother, who had plenty of anime in his hands. He was into anime before anime was considered cool, and showed what America was missing out on in terms of story and quality in their animation.

But all that is beside the point, and the point being cartoon violence, which is one of the key things anime had over American animation. In terms of firsts, Vampire Hunter D was quite possibly the first display of graphic violence I’ve seen through animation (strange considering the newer Bloodlust, which was tame in that regard). Since then, I’ve come across countless atrocities of violence done against otherwise fictional characters, and have become quite desensitized by it all. Mind you, I still get freaked out by Tetsuo’s transformation in Akira, which is just nasty sick. Seriously, feel free to not click that link, and not just for spoiler purposes, because that’s only one hell of a spoiler, but will also make you sick to your stomach. Amazing animation, just…god damn.

Conversations with a Therapist #6 – The Ever Swirling Seasons

I’ve had many a long conversation with my therapist it would seem. It would seem we also spoke on a subject I wrote as “Summer = Work, Winter = Rest?” This is of course written from the mindset of an 8th grader (or around that time), and at that point I have yet to have any sort of job. My understanding of the working world was limited oh so much, and I figured the means at which my parents supported me was like magic. If anything went wrong I would be cared for with very little effort. You know, your generic little shit. I’ve thankfully gained some understanding in the working world, and I condemn that shit to hell.

Regardless, the perception I had via this little subject was insightful all the same, flawed it may be. The closest relation it has is to the cycle of the hibernating bear. Coming out of Winter and all the way into the next, the bear will work and do what he can to make the most of the good weather. Gather food, meet a nice woman, have a barbeque, hike through the woods, run through a field of grass, break loose at a Con, go to the beach and swim, listen to a concert as Summerfest…you know, the stuff bears usually do.

Conversations with a Therapist #5 – Fictitious At Heart

Yet another CwaT post (that’s an ugly acronym, sure as shit). Item #8 on the list is “book’s characters”, which I’m sure it speaks on nothing more than my appreciation of fiction in my youth. It was the escape I could always count on, and you would likely find me keeping my nose in a book instead of interacting with the whole of the world. Whenever we were giving reading assignments for homework and the like, I would finish reading the book while everyone was still on the in the first few chapters answering plot questions. This usually didn’t work out the same way when the writing was bad or uninspiring, but thankfully the vast amount of what I’ve read has been good (though it should be noted I’m very forgiving on the mishaps of others).

And what’s more grand about a book’s story than the compelling characters the story is being told through? I’d be a fool to say all stories are told through a character, mind you, and enjoy such stories as well. My appreciation with stories containing characters is stronger, however, and I’m all for a good story being told through the perspectives of one. Doesn’t even have to be a likeable character either, because I’ve found deciphering the perspective and the circumstances of them in the world being presented as a puzzle to understand and solve.

Conversations with a Therapist #4 – To Know Madness

We return with another Conversations with a Therapist for item #5 on the list (because I’ve simplified a few topics in an earlier post). This times it’s…Horror vs. Happy? I…I honestly don’t know. I don’t know what this is about. At all. A case of my young childish mind making no sense to my current logical one. Though if I had to make a guess or create a topic based on those three words, if would be a discussion on Understanding vs. Ignorance.

Explanation: Ignorance is bliss. The less you understand something, the less you have to do with it, and the happier and more stress free you are. Supposedly. The more you understand something, the more you realize how it connects with you and what ramifications it has, thereby making your life a mess (or Horror). Most people would rather do without the drama that underlies all things and be absorbed in what effects them personally. The stress free life is the better life, right? I’m of the mind to live in the now with full understanding of what was and will be, even if it would bring on misery.

Conversations with a Therapist #3 – This Clumsy Fool

We return to you live from my bedroom with another Conversations with The Rapist I mean a Therapist.  Next item is “Accidents” and wow…have I made plenty of those in my life. Being the socially awkward man who hasn’t gained enough skills worth noting, it’s pretty much a given at this point. There isn’t a day I go by I don’t notice some shortcoming in what I do or have done in the past. Due to this I’ve gotten fairly depressed throughout my life, and have built this incredibly high standard of who I am and should be, yet never really achieving it.

But you know what? It’s all good. The whole point of learning is to make those mistakes and learn from them. The only problem I see in all of that is I’ve learned these lessons at a rate that’s much slower than everyone else around me, due to the fact I literally disappeared from the world after high school (was I really ever there?). As such, the supposed high standard I set for myself is even higher than what would be considered normal, because I’m years behind the lot of people even younger than me.