Monthly Archives: November 2013


This was written over the course of a week. Started in the midst of a 24 hour anxiety attack, pushed as much as I could, tacked on more after it was over, and finished only now because I tend to ignore things if they feels difficult. Almost like it will go away if I don’t give it power. Ever learning that emotions are incapable of being reasoned with. I usually try and make it a habit to have my “Pwning Life” posts be about achievements in life through thinking or better yet, action, rather than what about my life sucks and is continuing to suck and will suck forevermore. But there is nothing happening in my life that is awesome right now. I’m fairly miserable and can’t see this ever changing because I don’t know how to change it, let alone what exactly is wrong with me to begin with. Though I suppose accepting defeat from an insurmountable mountain of ones personal issues is an achievement in of itself?

Simply put, I can’t take this shit anymore. Again. I’m really just turning the same issues over and over, making no progress, and fail at judging said road to progress because I think everything I do is a failure, especially the wins. I don’t know what I’m doing, and my anxiety continues to get worse. I’m tired of feeling this way, and not having to live is looking a lot better than having to live through the motions to when/if I finally get better. I can’t even do the things I enjoy anymore, which includes my current employment, something that used to be a beacon of hope to me. I said to myself I would seek out help if things get out of hand, and I think that’s a sign if there ever was one. Continue reading

An Update, The Massacre, and A Video

So it’s been over a month since I went over the deep end. Those who managed to attempt contact or at least note the media I created (social or otherwise) know that I am alive, and now those who read this blog (heh) know this fact too. I’m only better in the sense I can actually make things happen outside of working a job, sometimes eating well, and the favorite pastime of all depressives, sleeping. Those first couple weeks were really rotten, and I’m quite glad they are over and done with. All the same, odd thoughts continue to creep up on me (an example of which is noted below), and it’s going to be awhile before I risk giving myself up to the world again.

Despite the fact I’ve neglected updating here, things are still coming along despite me not making official notices of them. I’m still making the video production happen, though it’s tedious trying to work a worthless body when the soul wants to do so much. I’ve also moved onto my next lent, given the prior Lent was finished in the midst of last month. I’ll talk about it in its own post, though hopefully before the business finishes. No, not going to check the calender to make sure, because that’s too much stress and work for me to handle…really. Then there are the few times I go out and do social things with folk, but only if they are truly necessary under the government shutdown I’m in. I had one such event on October 12th when I went to The Massacre, a 24 film fest held at the Patio Theater. Continue reading