This was written over the course of a week. Started in the midst of a 24 hour anxiety attack, pushed as much as I could, tacked on more after it was over, and finished only now because I tend to ignore things if they feels difficult. Almost like it will go away if I don’t give it power. Ever learning that emotions are incapable of being reasoned with. I usually try and make it a habit to have my “Pwning Life” posts be about achievements in life through thinking or better yet, action, rather than what about my life sucks and is continuing to suck and will suck forevermore. But there is nothing happening in my life that is awesome right now. I’m fairly miserable and can’t see this ever changing because I don’t know how to change it, let alone what exactly is wrong with me to begin with. Though I suppose accepting defeat from an insurmountable mountain of ones personal issues is an achievement in of itself?
Simply put, I can’t take this shit anymore. Again. I’m really just turning the same issues over and over, making no progress, and fail at judging said road to progress because I think everything I do is a failure, especially the wins. I don’t know what I’m doing, and my anxiety continues to get worse. I’m tired of feeling this way, and not having to live is looking a lot better than having to live through the motions to when/if I finally get better. I can’t even do the things I enjoy anymore, which includes my current employment, something that used to be a beacon of hope to me. I said to myself I would seek out help if things get out of hand, and I think that’s a sign if there ever was one. Continue reading