My Akoha Backlog #1 – Honesty, Decency, Integrity

I am in the midst of another downward spiral, and find myself wanting to retreat from people as I did in the Fall of last year. And while I am aware of this and that it’s a bad for me in the long run, it’s hard to find reason to care. When every affirmation you give yourself is accompanied with ridiculous amounts of doubt, you’re better off just simmering in the misery you already have without being reminded of the crap you view your life to be. As such, I’m not really pressuring myself to do much of anything these days. Anything I can do (and need to do) is far too tainted with vile emotion for me to feel safe with it, making it so I never follow through at all. In other words, yet another pathetic perpetual state of sadness.

So I do need to make sure I’m doing something, but finding a task is a task unto itself. House chores help, because aside from the fact they need to be done, the sense of accomplishment is a tiny boost to keep going on things. They are things that I can see, and clearing them up clears up my mind. I try and make it a habit to be Spring cleaning 24/7, though habits are hard to keep when you don’t feel much of anything. Having a living space that is in a constant state of flux must be quite surprising to others, but given that no one sees it to begin with…*shrug*

Smothering Pain With More Pain

I am an emotional yo-yo. My good days are always balanced with bad ones, and most of the time the negative feelings are felt immediately after the joy has left my body. I once mentioned to someone on a prior occasion I was likely going to have such a day (and I did), to which they said to, “Don’t even think about it,” and that, “I was in control.” I took a deep breathe and forced myself not to respond, because it wouldn’t do any good to tell this person they just didn’t get it. I also bite my tongue because the words I would have used would be very angry, and sometimes it’s better hold back than make someone else out to be an inconsiderate fool. Or am I supposed to communicate such things lest they never come to an understanding? I don’t know.

It could just be a mess of logic the depression has put me through, but it’s the conclusion I’ve come to after much experience trying to “be in control” as it’s been suggested: The mind and body isn’t something you control. Be it happy, sad or anything in between, mood has more to do with chance than of want. Oh, I had my time trying to be in control, and all it’s really done is make me miserable. To quote Allie Brosh, it’s like trying to punch yourself when you have no arms. So I’ve just come to accept whatever the day gives me. I could be having the greatest day possible, being incredibly open and intimate around others to the point it’s ridiculous, then suddenly dip into a pit of loathing, wanting to run from everything around me. 

Adventures in Fever Dreams

The events I’m speaking of happened on April Fools’ Day, but it is not a joke. Not in the slightest. That I could tear away the curtain and show you the devices which have assisted in my facade, but I can’t do that. Instead I have try and convince you what a painful and silly April Fools I had. Yes, those two adjectives can simultaneously apply to situations, and especially this one.

Twas a Tuesday, and I slept a little later because the boss said he wouldn’t need me at work, due to there literally being no work for me to do. I was okay with this for the most part, even if it meant I wasn’t going to get a lot of pay for the week. Heck, I wasn’t getting a lot of pay the weeks prior to this, but I felt alright with this circumstance all the same. It was going to be an awesome day filled with chores, writing, video production, and maybe even a job search. Just the usual stuff I have in my head before depression or whatever blocks me from having any control of my life.