Status Update 2016.6.5

It’s been a time since I said or shared anything about myself. While I would say it’s because nothing is happening, something is always happening. I just seem to have lost the ability to care to share what is inside my head as I used to. An odd circumstance I’ve always been meaning to change be looking through my headspace and clearly noting what is there upon this blog. Now is good a time as any. For a bit, because priorities, I guess.

40 Days & 40 Nights – Version 2.0

I’m jumping on the Lent wagon again. This time I’m not giving up on one thing at a time, but going cold turkey: everything is going to be dropped. Tired of seeing a shade of myself with just a single piece of me missing. Want to see myself as an entirely different person, without all the vices holding me down (aka giving modest yet short comfort). Plus it’s much easier to pick up a whole new routine than ween slowly into it, because the shock will force the change, and keep it stronger in mind. Or at least that’s the belief me and my roommate have been having for awhile. Better to act a thought than let it lie, you know?

Where I’m at is rather unsteady, but I want to actually be doing something with myself, and bring focus into where I am and going. There’s a factor of falling back into depression despite the medication I’m on (yes, that is a thing now), but let’s pretend it isn’t here for now while I explain how this will work. Prior poss had me talk about how the last Lent challenge went, then talking about what I would be taking on next. Instead, I will now just note when deviations from my Lent occurs during a period, perhaps giving a background to the how and why. To remind everyone of how much of a fool I am, here is everything I’ve given up for a time in the past…

Fur Squared 2014 – In Summary

I went to a Furry convention. There’s really no need to beat around the bush, because I honestly don’t think it’s that big of a deal. I went into the den of the great evil! The big, bad, fursuited wolves! And found it to be no different than any other fandom, though I find preference to this than those who enjoy golfing, cars, and other conventions that happen around such mundane topics. I’m no Furry or even a Brony (much as my roommate will say otherwise, dammit, just stop), but I have enough geekdom/fandom/memes/etc. within me to understand that labels are bullshit. This Furry convention I went to is no different than any other convention I would otherwise enjoy.

OH!!! There’s a bunch of sexiness with animals going on! Sorry, not biting the bait of one “perversion” for another. Anime Central has its own bouts with sexiness, my favorite being the call outs of yaoi being sold, and fanart of the shirtless dwarves from the film adaptations of The Hobbit. If you look long enough you find perversion in anything, and while Furry DOES have it, it’s just a portion of the fandom. Anthropomorphic appreciation. That’s Furry fandom in a nutshell (to me at least), and if you enjoy fucking vampires you’re a fan as well, because they are undead bestial creatures. Cartoon animals! Almost everything in Dungeons & Dragons! There’s aspects of anthro in every fandom you enjoy, so Furry haters? Get over yourselves already!

Christmas Eve 2014 Affirmation

It’s now the evening hours of Christmas Eve, and I’m in a bit of a haze due to several hours of napping but not really napping. Barely passing out in front of your newly acquired Chromebook doesn’t constitute rest, and the hours of nothing have gotten to me. Need to get myself into action before the day is through, so I’m writing and affirming my thoughts to help those actions along. Christmas time is the time I get my own personal work done, after all.

Yeah, personal work, because I’ve spent Christmas time the same way since (I believe) 2011: by myself, and keeping to myself so as to not bother the times others have for themselves. Now that I think of it, it’s the same with every birthday, New Year’s Eve, etc. in that I never made plans. Plan entail the presence of others, and I could never convince myself to believe others would want to spend time with me during these moments. Especially on short notice, because it was and is always the case with me and the way my brain worked/works. Just don’t be a bother, because it’s not like you’re going to get much of a response anyway.

Pwning Life: POSITIVE JACOB!

I am not positive and have not been a positive person for some years now. That I’ve had a better attitude these last several months means nothing because the urge to stab sharp shards in my neck still happens. In other words, don’t let the title of this blog fool you. Rather, speaks of an ideally positive Jacob without the annoyance of reality holding him down. More on that in a moment, because let’s talk backstory.

My roommate has attempted to become a mental assist life some months before I had my actual turnaround, to give an ear and guidance under the rule I give some of my own in turn. Uncertain how much use I’ve actually been to him, but the work has actually been great for me. We’ve fallen behind a tad on the things we started up in those beginning weeks, but those starting weeks were damn good.

Things Are Happening Places: An Evening Dedicating 10 Minutes to Your Favorite Movie

Haven’t been on the ball about things at all, but this thing right here? No one to blame but those in marketing, because I would jump on this the moment I knew about it…which was the past 24 hours, and it’s less than 24 hours the event should start. Y U NO TELL FANS!? *sigh* Not that I could afford Glass Nickel Pizza, but that’s beside the point. Living recordings of 10 Minutes About Your Favorite Movie? I’m down with that, given that every episode of that podcast is gold…well, except the one about Planet of the Apes (series of film, wasn’t specified), if I’m to believe what was said on another Little Podcast…podcast. Think it was Running With Scissors. But again, beside the point. Movies and pizza go together, and while it might not be an actual movie being watched, talking about them leads is an endless opportunity of fun. Hoping it gets the crowd it deserves.

My Akoha Backlog #5 – Goodbye Compulsive Pairing

Sometimes there are ideas for Akoha missions which have good intention, but are badly executed. One such mission was “Give It Up!” which asked participants to, “give up a bad habit at least for one day,” and…that’s just plain stupid. Not giving up legit bad habits, because that’s incredibly earth shattering stuff to change one’s self for the better (hopefully). The problem is giving up said habit(s) for a single day. Honestly, what does a single day matter in the scheme of things? Vices of this nature are hardwired into our system, and cause real problems when they are kept away. And don’t say, “This just shows how easy it is to drop a habit if that’s how one day felt.” Try dropping something completely and see how well your mind and body handles the shock of never being able to have that one thing ever again. Just try.

No, please try. It’s really for the best when on the goal of self discovery and reinventing yourself into a more ideal you, especially if that ideal is in your head and beyond the scope of whatever you can really do. But discovering that is a very important part of knowing yourself, which is something which only you can do and gives you the most joy in your life. Knowing is different than doing, however, though I did do plenty of the doing back in my 40 Days & 40 Nights faze. Through it all I found myself to be a very sexual creature, that I can never seem to be rid of chocolate and other tasty food, and I have a hard time breaking habits when they start.

Conversations with a Therapist #10 – That’s a Tasty Burger

I’m a suicidal depressive, life sucks, blah blah blah, what else is new? Oh I don’t know, how about actually attempting to do something about it? That’s the one thing that’s been missing for the longest time since Fall 2013: actually doing something about my circumstance so I’m not permanently disturbed by my insanity. I hit a roadblock in the form of Journey Mental Health, the place people recommended the most to me, when I was told to pretty much fuck off because I had no insurance. After I told them I was a suicidal depressive as well. Got plenty depressed and suicidal after that point, and really haven’t bothered to do much else since.

Why? Because my will was weak, that’s why. All roads look like rubbish after a long enough time, and my earnest effort to seek mental health was smothered by one setback: money. And yes, oh so many other options for me if I just happened to look and see…but again, all roads are rubbish, so why even bother? This mentality has pretty much been my life up until a month ago, when a friend of mine did something incredibly stupid: he made a strong effort to have me start talking to him about my issues.

Things Are Happening Places: La Fête de Marquette 2014

Madison is always offering something new for me. The more I think I know what’s going on, the more I keep learning how far my head is up my ass. As such, I know next to nothing about La Fête de Marquette, which is in its 9th annual year. I just…huh! You know, I’ve made it a habit to talk on the history of events and gatherings even if I don’t have some connection or investment in it, but this? I’m just going to say what this has to offer all on its own. The wealth of what it has should speak for itself.

Things Are Happening Places: Bartell Theatre Awards 2014

The Bartell Theatre. Got introduced to this place last year through Queer Shorts 9, and…really haven’t been back to the place since. Sure I’ve seen a few shows, but very sporadically, via a combination of finally getting out in the world and being stupid with my money. Be it social or monetary issues, I haven’t appreciated the location as much as I should have. Could have? But what I have seen through the year has made me smile, and I’m happy to be a little closer to the place. And wouldn’t you know, a refresher of what’s been had this past year is coming round in the form of the Bartell Theatre Awards.