In terms of an update/check-in/etc. on the self, and if I’m good to myself and accepting of how things really are…I’ve come a long way from my wretched days. To handle my depression, I take Prozac and see a therapist weeks at a time to help guide me through my head work. I consume Soylent for a large portion of my diet, not counting cheat days. This saves me money from groceries, time from shopping and cooking, and gives me a healthy and workable diet I can actually stick to and lose weight (with the addition of exercise). The fears of using a smartphone are gone, with digital tools helping me organize thoughts and communications better than ever. Even the last barrier came down by adding Facebook to the smartphone, leaving nothing between me and another in terms of connection, save my own failings to do so.
I have learned (am still learning) to love and be loved by another, and that I have that at all is a blessing I am ever thankful for, and is likely the crown achievement of where I stand right now. Could be called cheesy as hell, but when you have honestly never allowed yourself to fall into such feelings or even understand what it fully meant, hurt and all…trust me, this is huge. But in summary, things are great. I’m in a very good place right now with so much potential.
So why do I still find myself with clutter, wasted effort/time, and low moments that continue to burden me, even if they are free of suicidal feelings?
And while I am continually told that coming out of depression (or all things in general) takes time and effort, sometimes taking extraordinary amounts of time with little baby steps…it doesn’t make me feel any better. The words of encouragement I get when I speak on such things as this have become routine, with those who have given them in the past likely walking off to put their energy into more worthwhile things. A negative viewpoint if there ever was one, but I well understand the need of others to grow and flourish as they need to. That they return or even care to return when I’m well shouldn’t be a concern to me either, lest I fall into another mind trap. As I find myself in now as I even write this.
But once more (with feeling), if I’m good to myself and accepting of how things really are, I’ve come a long way. Just a matter of going the rest of the way down this road, and following through on The Things. As ever, all the tools are there, and it’s just a matter of being sane and coherent enough to use them. Even little things like laundry, which took me over 12 hours just to even start doing. And it’s not even dry by the time of posting this.
6 AM – 4:30 PM work is going to suck. 😦